"And oh! What's they've done for musical theah-tah!" or: "If I REALLY had $1,000,000"

I'm sick of everyone saying they're going to move to Canada because Bushman was "re"-elected. There are many other reasons to make the trek up north, y'all. And the Barenaked Ladies are not one of them.

But, I must admit there are some wonderful advances north of the border. Advances in medicine (hey, at least they GET the medicine), advances in transportation (it's true, their road signage is just fabulous), advances in the arts (again, at the very least their students actually receive arts education, not dream about it).

Here is my short list for wanting to move to the great maple leaf over yonder. If you can look yourself in the mirror and admit to agreeing to any THREE of these then you might be a red-leaf-neck. (Sorry, that was really bad. Onward and upward...)

1. SANITATION -- It's just cleaner there. Roads are cleaner, street corners are cleaner, people are cleaner. Even television, despite its (finally!) primetime airings of unedited episodes of "The Sopranos," is a cleaner source of information and entertainment.

2. TORONTO -- It's the greatest city in the world, in my honest-to-God opinion. Yes, New York City has all the worldly charm and history of being the "greatest"... Blah blah blah. As my T-Ball coach used to tell me:
"Bob--"
"Coach, my name is Ben"
"Ben--whatever--coming in second is just like coming in first only you're not the real winner."
T-Ball lasted but one season, mind you, and it had to do with more than Coach's inability to remember my name. You see, I'm a homosexual.

Which brings me to No. 3. EVERYONE IS GAY! GAY GAY GAY! GAY GAY GAY! (Go see "Team America" for that reference). Yes, that feeling you had in the bottom of your stomach whenever you met a Canuck, it's real. It's not a lie. All Canadians are gay. It's a fact. They're even allowed to marry now! Not that I'd personally choose to marry a man, even though I'd want to live with and steal money from one, I don't want to marry one. But at least I can, in the land of Celine Dion. And what's gayer than Celine Dion???? (For answer, go to No. 4.)

4. THEA-TAHHH -- Canadian stages are exponentially better than American stages, with every growing season. Toronto, in all its big-city-metropolitan glory, has so many kick-ass stages and theaters that it's easy to forget you were born with dysfunctional hetero genes. Where else can you go see Simba piss off his Uncle Scar in "The Lion King" in the afternoon and see a drag queen sing about the glories of Aqua Net in "Hairspray" in the evening? Okay, well you can do that in New York. But does New York have easy-to-read road signs? NOOOOOOO!!!!!

5. IKEA -- I know, this, too, you can get in America. But since I live so close to Canada and there aren't any close IKEAs in the States, I've always ASS-ociated the Sweedish import housewares giant with Canada. I just love their BlurgenBorgenBelsenBlinginDusenPorg desk set. It's tanfastic.

6. MONEY -- Granted, money doesn't stand for much these days, no matter what part of the world you go to. But in Canada, the American buck is a far cry from toilet paper. It used to be worth $1.45 in American funds, which is a great deal for us Amercs. It's recently declined to a paltry $1.15, according to a report I saw and think I remember understanding. As those lonely Barenaked Ladies boys ("They're so darling," my mom used to try to convince me) used to say, if they had $1,000,000, well... they'd be out of luck down here. But I'd be a happy little boy up there. Good deal.

7. HEALTH INSURANCE -- You see, my pancreas doesn't work. It's what they call "non-functioning." It's what others call "fat-assed and lazy." Whichever way you look at it, it's out of bidness and has been for the last 11 years. And let me tell you, syringes? Those aren't cheap. If I moved up north, I could not only save money on perscriptions and medical costs, I could also try my hand at that at-home pancreas transplant I read about in the back of Variety last week. If I fuck up, at least I won't have to pay for the surgery.

8. THE GUELPH LINE -- What is it, exactly? Who knows? It's my (and Colin's) primary concern in life to figure out what the hell the Guelph line is, what effects it has on its residents, who guards it at night, and what the hell it divides. Does it have magical powers? Are there secret lemmings living underneath its crusty, earthy shell? Have aliens ever landed on it and "crossed the line" into Guelph? I'm wondering. And now you are too.

9. IT'S JUST BETTER, NKAY???

And the No. 10 reason, as if you needed any more...

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT. Buy his upcoming release, "Want Two," on Tues., Nov. 16! Or, go to www.vh1.com and listen to the whole album there. It's truly remarkable. You see? Now if I were a Canadian citizen, I'd not only be able to buy his CD for less than I could here, but I could also marry him. AND buy a BorgenBunsenBurner bed set. And when I passed out from the sheer exhilaration of his genius songwriting, the ace bandage would be on the house.

It all works out in the end, doesn't it?

See you in T.O.
B