Okay.
I thought I had problems. It seems as though Sarah, our Philly hag on "The Real World," thinks she's got it all up in her, or at least enough to straighten a gay. She wanted so much for him to be bi, but she ended up with a "bye." What do all you straights think? You think we can switch it off like a ceiling fan? Her sexual exploits even went as far as a romp in the IKEA-furnished den of rainbow-colored stuffy pillows, as if any one really has one of those rooms in their "real" house.
"I've never been with a confused penis," Sarah admits to gay Willy (perfect name for a gay, don't you think?).
"Did you feel like a lesbian? Was it a little dyky?" he shoots back, like only a gay man named Willy can.
A confused penis? Darling, it's called GAYYYYYYYYYYYY. Get used to it. We can't all be normal (take note, Samanjamin).
Now I gotta go figure out who to avoid at the Thanksfornothing dinner table. I hate family.
Ben
25.11.04
The Eagles Have Landed... and They're Pissed
You have NO IDEA.....
I can't take it...
The family is here...
And I'm about to disappear...
This is turning into a poem...
Though I don't mean it to...
So I'll try to find a word...
And rhymes with poem...
I suck at writing these.
Try to drink as much as you can today. It's the only hope we have to make it to Friday.
Later bitches,
Ben
I can't take it...
The family is here...
And I'm about to disappear...
This is turning into a poem...
Though I don't mean it to...
So I'll try to find a word...
And rhymes with poem...
I suck at writing these.
Try to drink as much as you can today. It's the only hope we have to make it to Friday.
Later bitches,
Ben
20.11.04
Too Many Colins, So Little Time
What the hell do people see in Colin Firth? He looks like my mail man.
That's it. That's all I wanted to say. WTF.
Ben
That's it. That's all I wanted to say. WTF.
Ben
16.11.04
Oh my Jewish Jesus!
I was originally going to ask for the first season of The Golden Girls on DVD for Hanukkah, but has replaced it as No. 1 on the list:
http://www.britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm
The URL alone is enough to make me wet myself. Oh--you see? There I go again... I just peed a little.
Later,
Ben
http://www.britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm
The URL alone is enough to make me wet myself. Oh--you see? There I go again... I just peed a little.
Later,
Ben
14.11.04
Yaaaaa WHAT?!?!
I call my mother today, ask if her if she has any time to spend with her hard-working son. Of her own busy schedule, this is what she offers:
Mom: "There's a wonderful concert Saturday night you can come to."
Me: "Oh no. It's at temple, isn't it?"
Mom: "Listen here--"
Me: "I am not going to a temple concert."
Mom: "He's a Jewish Gospel singer."
Me: "NO way!"
Mom: "He was on Oprah."
Me: "NO! I have to go now, Mom."
Mom: "I'll take you out to dinner."
Me: "Okay. I'll go."
Gotta love her.
Ben
Mom: "There's a wonderful concert Saturday night you can come to."
Me: "Oh no. It's at temple, isn't it?"
Mom: "Listen here--"
Me: "I am not going to a temple concert."
Mom: "He's a Jewish Gospel singer."
Me: "NO way!"
Mom: "He was on Oprah."
Me: "NO! I have to go now, Mom."
Mom: "I'll take you out to dinner."
Me: "Okay. I'll go."
Gotta love her.
Ben
Samanjamin... It just keeps getting better...
I saw an incredibly moving play this weekend produced by Buffalo United Artists. Go see it, it's called "Southern Baptist Sissies." It's really incredible. For all of my thoughts on the play, read my review in The Buffalo News this Monday (or possibly Tuesday).
But the reason for this post, as inspired by two of the play's funnier characters, is to continue my quest for the worst/best/but really worst name of all time. (I know I'm not the first to come up with this shit, but it nonetheless keeps me happy.)
So far, we've had: Sue Dan, Sue Vlaki, Pete Moss.
Here's another: Liz Anya. And, from the fantastic play downtown, two of my new favorites: Iona Trailer (a drag queen), Odette Annette Barnette, and Sheila Noya.
I need a better day job. Later bitches,
Ben
P.S. In case none of you can read (or haven't read my last entry), go out on Tuesday and buy Rufus Wainwright's "Want Two." You'll definitely want to... Trust me.
But the reason for this post, as inspired by two of the play's funnier characters, is to continue my quest for the worst/best/but really worst name of all time. (I know I'm not the first to come up with this shit, but it nonetheless keeps me happy.)
So far, we've had: Sue Dan, Sue Vlaki, Pete Moss.
Here's another: Liz Anya. And, from the fantastic play downtown, two of my new favorites: Iona Trailer (a drag queen), Odette Annette Barnette, and Sheila Noya.
I need a better day job. Later bitches,
Ben
P.S. In case none of you can read (or haven't read my last entry), go out on Tuesday and buy Rufus Wainwright's "Want Two." You'll definitely want to... Trust me.
12.11.04
"And oh! What's they've done for musical theah-tah!" or: "If I REALLY had $1,000,000"
I'm sick of everyone saying they're going to move to Canada because Bushman was "re"-elected. There are many other reasons to make the trek up north, y'all. And the Barenaked Ladies are not one of them.
But, I must admit there are some wonderful advances north of the border. Advances in medicine (hey, at least they GET the medicine), advances in transportation (it's true, their road signage is just fabulous), advances in the arts (again, at the very least their students actually receive arts education, not dream about it).
Here is my short list for wanting to move to the great maple leaf over yonder. If you can look yourself in the mirror and admit to agreeing to any THREE of these then you might be a red-leaf-neck. (Sorry, that was really bad. Onward and upward...)
1. SANITATION -- It's just cleaner there. Roads are cleaner, street corners are cleaner, people are cleaner. Even television, despite its (finally!) primetime airings of unedited episodes of "The Sopranos," is a cleaner source of information and entertainment.
2. TORONTO -- It's the greatest city in the world, in my honest-to-God opinion. Yes, New York City has all the worldly charm and history of being the "greatest"... Blah blah blah. As my T-Ball coach used to tell me:
"Bob--"
"Coach, my name is Ben"
"Ben--whatever--coming in second is just like coming in first only you're not the real winner."
T-Ball lasted but one season, mind you, and it had to do with more than Coach's inability to remember my name. You see, I'm a homosexual.
Which brings me to No. 3. EVERYONE IS GAY! GAY GAY GAY! GAY GAY GAY! (Go see "Team America" for that reference). Yes, that feeling you had in the bottom of your stomach whenever you met a Canuck, it's real. It's not a lie. All Canadians are gay. It's a fact. They're even allowed to marry now! Not that I'd personally choose to marry a man, even though I'd want to live with and steal money from one, I don't want to marry one. But at least I can, in the land of Celine Dion. And what's gayer than Celine Dion???? (For answer, go to No. 4.)
4. THEA-TAHHH -- Canadian stages are exponentially better than American stages, with every growing season. Toronto, in all its big-city-metropolitan glory, has so many kick-ass stages and theaters that it's easy to forget you were born with dysfunctional hetero genes. Where else can you go see Simba piss off his Uncle Scar in "The Lion King" in the afternoon and see a drag queen sing about the glories of Aqua Net in "Hairspray" in the evening? Okay, well you can do that in New York. But does New York have easy-to-read road signs? NOOOOOOO!!!!!
5. IKEA -- I know, this, too, you can get in America. But since I live so close to Canada and there aren't any close IKEAs in the States, I've always ASS-ociated the Sweedish import housewares giant with Canada. I just love their BlurgenBorgenBelsenBlinginDusenPorg desk set. It's tanfastic.
6. MONEY -- Granted, money doesn't stand for much these days, no matter what part of the world you go to. But in Canada, the American buck is a far cry from toilet paper. It used to be worth $1.45 in American funds, which is a great deal for us Amercs. It's recently declined to a paltry $1.15, according to a report I saw and think I remember understanding. As those lonely Barenaked Ladies boys ("They're so darling," my mom used to try to convince me) used to say, if they had $1,000,000, well... they'd be out of luck down here. But I'd be a happy little boy up there. Good deal.
7. HEALTH INSURANCE -- You see, my pancreas doesn't work. It's what they call "non-functioning." It's what others call "fat-assed and lazy." Whichever way you look at it, it's out of bidness and has been for the last 11 years. And let me tell you, syringes? Those aren't cheap. If I moved up north, I could not only save money on perscriptions and medical costs, I could also try my hand at that at-home pancreas transplant I read about in the back of Variety last week. If I fuck up, at least I won't have to pay for the surgery.
8. THE GUELPH LINE -- What is it, exactly? Who knows? It's my (and Colin's) primary concern in life to figure out what the hell the Guelph line is, what effects it has on its residents, who guards it at night, and what the hell it divides. Does it have magical powers? Are there secret lemmings living underneath its crusty, earthy shell? Have aliens ever landed on it and "crossed the line" into Guelph? I'm wondering. And now you are too.
9. IT'S JUST BETTER, NKAY???
And the No. 10 reason, as if you needed any more...
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT. Buy his upcoming release, "Want Two," on Tues., Nov. 16! Or, go to www.vh1.com and listen to the whole album there. It's truly remarkable. You see? Now if I were a Canadian citizen, I'd not only be able to buy his CD for less than I could here, but I could also marry him. AND buy a BorgenBunsenBurner bed set. And when I passed out from the sheer exhilaration of his genius songwriting, the ace bandage would be on the house.
It all works out in the end, doesn't it?
See you in T.O.
B
But, I must admit there are some wonderful advances north of the border. Advances in medicine (hey, at least they GET the medicine), advances in transportation (it's true, their road signage is just fabulous), advances in the arts (again, at the very least their students actually receive arts education, not dream about it).
Here is my short list for wanting to move to the great maple leaf over yonder. If you can look yourself in the mirror and admit to agreeing to any THREE of these then you might be a red-leaf-neck. (Sorry, that was really bad. Onward and upward...)
1. SANITATION -- It's just cleaner there. Roads are cleaner, street corners are cleaner, people are cleaner. Even television, despite its (finally!) primetime airings of unedited episodes of "The Sopranos," is a cleaner source of information and entertainment.
2. TORONTO -- It's the greatest city in the world, in my honest-to-God opinion. Yes, New York City has all the worldly charm and history of being the "greatest"... Blah blah blah. As my T-Ball coach used to tell me:
"Bob--"
"Coach, my name is Ben"
"Ben--whatever--coming in second is just like coming in first only you're not the real winner."
T-Ball lasted but one season, mind you, and it had to do with more than Coach's inability to remember my name. You see, I'm a homosexual.
Which brings me to No. 3. EVERYONE IS GAY! GAY GAY GAY! GAY GAY GAY! (Go see "Team America" for that reference). Yes, that feeling you had in the bottom of your stomach whenever you met a Canuck, it's real. It's not a lie. All Canadians are gay. It's a fact. They're even allowed to marry now! Not that I'd personally choose to marry a man, even though I'd want to live with and steal money from one, I don't want to marry one. But at least I can, in the land of Celine Dion. And what's gayer than Celine Dion???? (For answer, go to No. 4.)
4. THEA-TAHHH -- Canadian stages are exponentially better than American stages, with every growing season. Toronto, in all its big-city-metropolitan glory, has so many kick-ass stages and theaters that it's easy to forget you were born with dysfunctional hetero genes. Where else can you go see Simba piss off his Uncle Scar in "The Lion King" in the afternoon and see a drag queen sing about the glories of Aqua Net in "Hairspray" in the evening? Okay, well you can do that in New York. But does New York have easy-to-read road signs? NOOOOOOO!!!!!
5. IKEA -- I know, this, too, you can get in America. But since I live so close to Canada and there aren't any close IKEAs in the States, I've always ASS-ociated the Sweedish import housewares giant with Canada. I just love their BlurgenBorgenBelsenBlinginDusenPorg desk set. It's tanfastic.
6. MONEY -- Granted, money doesn't stand for much these days, no matter what part of the world you go to. But in Canada, the American buck is a far cry from toilet paper. It used to be worth $1.45 in American funds, which is a great deal for us Amercs. It's recently declined to a paltry $1.15, according to a report I saw and think I remember understanding. As those lonely Barenaked Ladies boys ("They're so darling," my mom used to try to convince me) used to say, if they had $1,000,000, well... they'd be out of luck down here. But I'd be a happy little boy up there. Good deal.
7. HEALTH INSURANCE -- You see, my pancreas doesn't work. It's what they call "non-functioning." It's what others call "fat-assed and lazy." Whichever way you look at it, it's out of bidness and has been for the last 11 years. And let me tell you, syringes? Those aren't cheap. If I moved up north, I could not only save money on perscriptions and medical costs, I could also try my hand at that at-home pancreas transplant I read about in the back of Variety last week. If I fuck up, at least I won't have to pay for the surgery.
8. THE GUELPH LINE -- What is it, exactly? Who knows? It's my (and Colin's) primary concern in life to figure out what the hell the Guelph line is, what effects it has on its residents, who guards it at night, and what the hell it divides. Does it have magical powers? Are there secret lemmings living underneath its crusty, earthy shell? Have aliens ever landed on it and "crossed the line" into Guelph? I'm wondering. And now you are too.
9. IT'S JUST BETTER, NKAY???
And the No. 10 reason, as if you needed any more...
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT. Buy his upcoming release, "Want Two," on Tues., Nov. 16! Or, go to www.vh1.com and listen to the whole album there. It's truly remarkable. You see? Now if I were a Canadian citizen, I'd not only be able to buy his CD for less than I could here, but I could also marry him. AND buy a BorgenBunsenBurner bed set. And when I passed out from the sheer exhilaration of his genius songwriting, the ace bandage would be on the house.
It all works out in the end, doesn't it?
See you in T.O.
B
10.11.04
And one... and two... and bend... and kneel... and twist... and shout...
I got a voicemail from a local gym today saying I won a three-day free pass to use their facilities. I wonder if I'm on some list of skinny-challenged Western New Yorkers.
I calculated how long it would take for me to work out in order to be a skinny bitch. I'd have to exercise five hours every day for 135 years.
If only they'd given me a 49,276-day pass.
In other news, Oprah must die. She makes me want to throw up and send it to her in an envelope. Ditto for Bette Midler. And all Omahanians (those from Omaha).
Later,
B
I calculated how long it would take for me to work out in order to be a skinny bitch. I'd have to exercise five hours every day for 135 years.
If only they'd given me a 49,276-day pass.
In other news, Oprah must die. She makes me want to throw up and send it to her in an envelope. Ditto for Bette Midler. And all Omahanians (those from Omaha).
Later,
B
8.11.04
Driving in a WinterWonderHell
People! Are you NEW????
When snow falls down from the sky, just drive around it, nnkay?
Really!
In other news, it's beautiful out.
Later,
B
P.S. Read my latest column on the UB Spectrum Web site. It's about the power of making choices.
http://spectrum.buffalo.edu/article.php?id=17422
When snow falls down from the sky, just drive around it, nnkay?
Really!
In other news, it's beautiful out.
Later,
B
P.S. Read my latest column on the UB Spectrum Web site. It's about the power of making choices.
http://spectrum.buffalo.edu/article.php?id=17422
7.11.04
My name is not Susan
Here's another one:
Susan Dan
It's always Sue that works best with this formula.
B
Susan Dan
It's always Sue that works best with this formula.
B
6.11.04
Oh no!!!!!!!!
Make her stop. Hey you, pass me the -- no, not that, th-, yes, that. The gun, yes. Thank you.
http://www.theage.com.au/news/Music/Yokos-new-hit/2004/11/05/1099547360765.html?oneclick=true
B
http://www.theage.com.au/news/Music/Yokos-new-hit/2004/11/05/1099547360765.html?oneclick=true
B
Two's a pair. Three's company. And four is... well, four is a foursome.
Wow, three entries in one day. I must be a lot lonlier than I thought. Hmm.
Okay.
Sam makes fun of me for thinking of such things, but I swear, when I fucking graduate and someone out there finally realizes I should be paid for coming up with such ba-rilliant ideas, I'm going to be so rich I'll buy me some hot body to go with this charm.
Tell me this isn't the best idea you've never thought of. What if there were a woman out there whose last name is Vlaki and first name Susan. How f-ing (fuck it! I'll just say it! how fucking...) great would it be to be named Sue Vlaki? I'd kill myself out of the sheer daily hilarity.
Or what about Peter Moss? Or ... I had another one, I swear. I don't know what I'd do with this information except perhaps write a sitcom based around her/his/hes/hir fabled life of being named after a popular Greek dish!
Or maybe it's the dish that's named after her!!!
Ahhh-haaaa!!!!!
Eat it,
B
Okay.
Sam makes fun of me for thinking of such things, but I swear, when I fucking graduate and someone out there finally realizes I should be paid for coming up with such ba-rilliant ideas, I'm going to be so rich I'll buy me some hot body to go with this charm.
Tell me this isn't the best idea you've never thought of. What if there were a woman out there whose last name is Vlaki and first name Susan. How f-ing (fuck it! I'll just say it! how fucking...) great would it be to be named Sue Vlaki? I'd kill myself out of the sheer daily hilarity.
Or what about Peter Moss? Or ... I had another one, I swear. I don't know what I'd do with this information except perhaps write a sitcom based around her/his/hes/hir fabled life of being named after a popular Greek dish!
Or maybe it's the dish that's named after her!!!
Ahhh-haaaa!!!!!
Eat it,
B
One... two... three... CLEAR!
Do you think this comes in pink?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00064CED6/ref=amb_center-2_138349_2/104-4097889-5385544
Oh, the joy of holiday wish list shopping. This has replaced my No. 3 item, a signed poster of Colin Farell.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00064CED6/ref=amb_center-2_138349_2/104-4097889-5385544
Oh, the joy of holiday wish list shopping. This has replaced my No. 3 item, a signed poster of Colin Farell.
Channumas/Christakah in November
I bought Christmas lights for $2 at CVS the other day. I feel so festive.
And gay.
B
And gay.
B
5.11.04
One Fabulous Fiddler
As if being Jewish AND gay wasn't hard enough, the legitimate theater community today marked the beginning of a new era in stunt casting. Harvey Feirstein, the she-male/shim/himer/herim/gravel box who recently made Aqua Net acceptable again with his starring role in Broadway's "Hairspray," is the front-runner to replace Doc-Oc (Alfred Molina) in Broadway's latest revival of "Fiddler on the Roof."
http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=502023
What's next? Clay Aiken in "Cats"? JLo in "The Phantom of the Opera"? Oh I know, how about Paris Hilton in "A Streetcar Named Desire"? Can't you just see it?
Stanley Kowalski: "Steellllaaaa!!!!!!"
Blanche DuBois: "That's hot"
Yes, it's true. The world's gayest animal has just gayed up the homosexualest medium there is; its combined powers have formed the inevidable: The HomoJewiCal.
I'm moving to Peru. Join me, will you?
http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=502023
What's next? Clay Aiken in "Cats"? JLo in "The Phantom of the Opera"? Oh I know, how about Paris Hilton in "A Streetcar Named Desire"? Can't you just see it?
Stanley Kowalski: "Steellllaaaa!!!!!!"
Blanche DuBois: "That's hot"
Yes, it's true. The world's gayest animal has just gayed up the homosexualest medium there is; its combined powers have formed the inevidable: The HomoJewiCal.
I'm moving to Peru. Join me, will you?
4.11.04
The Glesbians Have Attacked
Watch out, all you Dr. Quinns and Claire Huxtables! If you're a single woman and have a successful job, you're a lesbian. According to this ass munch.
http://www.alternet.org/rights/20162/
Forget Canada. How about we just parasail into the Indian Ocean and hope the smell of curry doesn't suffocate us on the way down?
I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds bad.
Pretty awful first blog entry, huh? Yeah, I'm tired.
Later bitches,
B
http://www.alternet.org/rights/20162/
Forget Canada. How about we just parasail into the Indian Ocean and hope the smell of curry doesn't suffocate us on the way down?
I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds bad.
Pretty awful first blog entry, huh? Yeah, I'm tired.
Later bitches,
B
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