theFEARD: March 2005

23.3.05

Lake Erie is not an ocean, and therefore does not qualify me as being bi-coastal. That, and I don't have another coast.

I used to listen to the Billy Ocean song, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" and I would swear the lyrics went, "Get out of my car/Get into my dreams." I know it's not right to sing an upbeat Billy "Caribbean Queen" Ocean song about telling your girl to get out of your car, but it sure was funnier at the time.

22.3.05

American Idle

Why is Donny Osmond in the audience for American Idol?
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.

17.3.05

What are you, a fucking world travalah?

From now on, I'm signing all correspondence with a version of the following:

Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville

...you get the point.

Send more. And cookies.

Ha-penis is hard to come by

The sperm whale's penis is 5 feet long.
Food for thought.

I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.

16.3.05

Comb your harrrrrr

Today. Starts. Anew. A new. Whatever.
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:

This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!

Hi Kim + Haiku = Kimku

Kimberly Simberly
Facts of Life
Living Single
Kim Fields
Tootie
Pootie
Tang
Wang-o
Tang-o
Simply Simberly
Kimply Kimberly
Kimberly Simberly
Wheaties
Breakfast of Champions

intermezzo

Kim
Berly
Sim
Berly
Hurly Burly
Kim-hurly Sim-burly
Sim-hurly Kim-burly
Kimberly Simberly
Timberly
Timbaland
featuring Missy Eliot
Misserly Elioterly
Supa Dupa Flyerly
Fly early
Avoid traffic
Catch the red eye
From Los Angeles
Kimberly Simberly

I like cuddling, soft kisses, and long walks on the beach...

Kimberly Simberly.
Kimberly Simberly.
Why won't you by my frienderly?
I'm waiting by the phonerly
for your callerly.
Kimberly Simberly.
I loverly. Youerly.

Yours sincerely,
Tom Foolery.

4.3.05

Like "Steel Magnolias," only not at all

While looking through Pollstar, I saw that Julia Roberts is coming to the Erie County Fair on Aug. 15.

Then I read it again and saw that it was Julie Roberts.

3.3.05

Studying a broad

"I'm young and I only got my boobs, like a year and a half ago, so of course they're going to look good. I love 'em." -Lindsay Lohan in a recent W Magazine interview.

"I'm 22-and-three-quarters and I only got my brain, like 22-and-three-quarters years ago, so of course I'm going to be smarter than Lindsay Lohan." -Me, after reading the interview.