I should be paid for coming up with this stuff. My latest idea for a TV show:
Intimidate, the show where a lovely young lady must endure a knife-wielding bastard through rounds of scare tactics and horrible fake designer fashions. If she can stand the test of the blind date from hell -- if she can indeed survive non-stop indimidation -- then she wins a second date (which will invariably end with a murder). Coming soon to the NBCBSABCWBMSFOX superchannel, between Geraldo's new mustache-athon and Oprah's latest weave.
21.11.05
2.11.05
Oops I Puked My Pants v.2
Update: Okay, so he's been at his table playing chess now for three-point-no-seconds and is now back in the loo. That's 15 times. I'm not leaving my seat until he leaves. I hope he's not a homeless fetishistic chronic bathroom-using tapeworm victim.
I just can't STAND his kind.
I just can't STAND his kind.
Oops I Puked My Pants
I'm sitting in this here coffee shop in this here city not so devoid of hotties, and one boy who doesn't draw my attention for the right reasons has been on my mind for the last two hours.
I've been here since 7 p.m., it's not 9:19 p.m. and he's gone to the bathroom 14 times. He's in there for about a minute or two at a time, walks out, wait until one or two more customers uses it, then goes back for another round.
He's either got really bad indigestion (maybe he ordered the quiche) or tapeworm. I'm not a doctor, but from where I'm sitting -- a cool 15, 20 feet away I'd say -- I can safely say it's quiche or tapeworm. Take my word for it.
Right now, he's waiting for another go-around, and he's listening in on whoever's in there. Do we have a fetish on our hands? (Well, his hands, not ours.)
....
......
Um, excuse me. I had to vomit in my mouth.
I've been here since 7 p.m., it's not 9:19 p.m. and he's gone to the bathroom 14 times. He's in there for about a minute or two at a time, walks out, wait until one or two more customers uses it, then goes back for another round.
He's either got really bad indigestion (maybe he ordered the quiche) or tapeworm. I'm not a doctor, but from where I'm sitting -- a cool 15, 20 feet away I'd say -- I can safely say it's quiche or tapeworm. Take my word for it.
Right now, he's waiting for another go-around, and he's listening in on whoever's in there. Do we have a fetish on our hands? (Well, his hands, not ours.)
....
......
Um, excuse me. I had to vomit in my mouth.
19.10.05
Yabba Dabba Do-You-Have-an-Umbrella?
I don't discount the atrocities of a devestating category-5 hurricane. Certainly Wilma will ruin many a life and destroy our faith in the Gods of the Gulf (aka Jeb and his going-steady, Katherine "Al Gore So Did Not Win in 2000, Jesus Told Me So" the former Florida attorney general), to say nothing of our national adoration of one Mr. Fred and his Flintstone clan.
(This is why they* invented The Weather Channel. And that pig-fucker Al Roker. What a douche.)
But as it seems we're in for a season of mutiny, we should discuss plans to conquer Mother Nature's Storm of the Century of the Year 2005: Live on Ice. Word on the streets is she's a bitch who hasn't kicked her smack habit and isn't about to go to Promises. We can only hope.
So here's my idea: In order to curb the enthusiasm of celebrites and those who wish to get their photos taken carrying boxes of bottled water and cheese sammages to victims, I'm going to donate all the money required to bail a major Southern metropolitan city from a hurricane, fromt he dinkiest of rain trickles to the most horrific category-a million.
Here's what I want in return: At the time of payment (my PayPal account is currently frozen due to some bad betting on a life-sized Jared Leto poster--er, I mean, an old, uh, book of something--but I'm good for it), I request the naming rights to said as-yet-unleashed storm. That's right. I get to name it, for a to-be-determined sum of American currency, and the money goes to the victims of the horrible, devestating, really bad hurricane.
It's a brilliant idea, and unlike some of my gems, one I came up completely on my own. People have rolled their eyes, but I think it's because they're embarrased they didn't come up with it on their own. They'll learn.
In the meantime, I am taking donations for what I am calling Help Save The People From the Hurricanes of the Future Fund. Any donation is welcome, nothing is too small.** So open your pocketbooks, take out your wallets, and give, give, give! Wilma needs our attention.
Or should I say, Hurricane Bjork.
*I want to start a Web site called www.they.com where we, I mean "they," say everything they always say. You know, they say there's going to be snow this weekend. They also say drinking one glass of wine a day combats heart disease. I didn't say it, they did. I mean us. We are they, and us are you.
**Nothing below $4 million, please. This isn't PBS. We know you have it.
(This is why they* invented The Weather Channel. And that pig-fucker Al Roker. What a douche.)
But as it seems we're in for a season of mutiny, we should discuss plans to conquer Mother Nature's Storm of the Century of the Year 2005: Live on Ice. Word on the streets is she's a bitch who hasn't kicked her smack habit and isn't about to go to Promises. We can only hope.
So here's my idea: In order to curb the enthusiasm of celebrites and those who wish to get their photos taken carrying boxes of bottled water and cheese sammages to victims, I'm going to donate all the money required to bail a major Southern metropolitan city from a hurricane, fromt he dinkiest of rain trickles to the most horrific category-a million.
Here's what I want in return: At the time of payment (my PayPal account is currently frozen due to some bad betting on a life-sized Jared Leto poster--er, I mean, an old, uh, book of something--but I'm good for it), I request the naming rights to said as-yet-unleashed storm. That's right. I get to name it, for a to-be-determined sum of American currency, and the money goes to the victims of the horrible, devestating, really bad hurricane.
It's a brilliant idea, and unlike some of my gems, one I came up completely on my own. People have rolled their eyes, but I think it's because they're embarrased they didn't come up with it on their own. They'll learn.
In the meantime, I am taking donations for what I am calling Help Save The People From the Hurricanes of the Future Fund. Any donation is welcome, nothing is too small.** So open your pocketbooks, take out your wallets, and give, give, give! Wilma needs our attention.
Or should I say, Hurricane Bjork.
*I want to start a Web site called www.they.com where we, I mean "they," say everything they always say. You know, they say there's going to be snow this weekend. They also say drinking one glass of wine a day combats heart disease. I didn't say it, they did. I mean us. We are they, and us are you.
**Nothing below $4 million, please. This isn't PBS. We know you have it.
12.10.05
Chew-me-up-and-spit-me-out-bacca is Back!
There was a girl we, I mean they, called Chewbacca in high school. She had monstrous red hair and a mouth that could make your eyes water in fright.*
Anyshit, here's a story you're going to love. It's got all the elements of a heartbreaker: Intrigue, international espionage, some really huge hairy man tits. Be careful. It might bite.
My favorite paragraph is the fourth, but some say the sixth is a killer too. Read them all. Have a toilet handy.
-Ben-bacca
*I typed freight by mistake at first, before realizing it didn't make sense to say "eyes water in freight." Unless, of course, you were on a train and you were crying. Back to my stories.
Anyshit, here's a story you're going to love. It's got all the elements of a heartbreaker: Intrigue, international espionage, some really huge hairy man tits. Be careful. It might bite.
My favorite paragraph is the fourth, but some say the sixth is a killer too. Read them all. Have a toilet handy.
-Ben-bacca
*I typed freight by mistake at first, before realizing it didn't make sense to say "eyes water in freight." Unless, of course, you were on a train and you were crying. Back to my stories.
7.10.05
Carrie Oakey
Why are people so afraid of karaoke? It's a lovely way to spend an evening out at the local dive with your friends and your alcohol. It's also the best way to show off your Neil Diamond infatuation.
Everywhere around the world. He's coming to America.
Oh yes. He is coming. To. America.
Everywhere around the world. He's coming to America.
Oh yes. He is coming. To. America.
3.10.05
Pass the salt
My fourth grade teacher was named Mr. Bland, and while he lived up to that moniker on an hourly basis, there was a quality he posessed that was informed, vibrant; very un-bland. To this day the first thing I think of when I think of Mr. Bland, besides the obsessive computer jokes and musings about how the world was going to crumble before our eyes if we didn't back up every library book on a simple personal computer, or how he took great pride in the newspaper hats he made us assemble like cheap Americanized oragami on Paper Day (because reading the paper would be too easy, too...bland) ...
Okay, so the third thing I think of when I think of Mr. Steve Bland was a stupid joke he told us about a headless man. Like the myriad folds of the Peter Pan-like newspaper hat, I can't remember the steps leading up to the final product. But what I do remember is the punchline: "You better quit while you're a head."
We'd laugh, mostly to comply with his threats of a doomed natural existence on account of the un-archived books. But we'd also laugh because he was just too simple to be taken seriously. "Quit while you're a head." Pause. "Get it?"
Oh man.
Okay, so the third thing I think of when I think of Mr. Steve Bland was a stupid joke he told us about a headless man. Like the myriad folds of the Peter Pan-like newspaper hat, I can't remember the steps leading up to the final product. But what I do remember is the punchline: "You better quit while you're a head."
We'd laugh, mostly to comply with his threats of a doomed natural existence on account of the un-archived books. But we'd also laugh because he was just too simple to be taken seriously. "Quit while you're a head." Pause. "Get it?"
Oh man.
29.9.05
Pay My "Rent"
I am sitting here with my coffee listening to the new film soundtrack to "Rent." Like most people between the ages of 20 and infinity who were touched by "Rent" nearly 10 years ago, this is a moment long in the waiting. I can't say I ever felt this show was destined for the large screen. It was written for the stage by a man who loved the stage, and though its heart and soul is universal in physical and intellectual scope, it never lended well in my mind to the realist language of film.
That said, all firsthand accounts of the film's Manhattan and San Francisco shoots claim it to be a moving and effective translation. Chris Columbus, who reminded us a few years back that leaving children alone at home is a bad idea, is said to have had a personal connection to this text and the musical form as a whole. Let's hope he's right. I certainly give him a lot of credit for going for the gold with this one -- mess "Rent" up and you're going to have many angry pseudo-Bohemians knocking on your door. And they're likely to have a guitar. Good lord.
Despite any prejudiced forethoughts, I look forward to this film as much as I do the upcoming screen-to-stage-back-to-screen adaptaion of Mel Brooks's "The Producers." Now that should be good. Let's hope "Rent" can pay its bill this time.
That said, all firsthand accounts of the film's Manhattan and San Francisco shoots claim it to be a moving and effective translation. Chris Columbus, who reminded us a few years back that leaving children alone at home is a bad idea, is said to have had a personal connection to this text and the musical form as a whole. Let's hope he's right. I certainly give him a lot of credit for going for the gold with this one -- mess "Rent" up and you're going to have many angry pseudo-Bohemians knocking on your door. And they're likely to have a guitar. Good lord.
Despite any prejudiced forethoughts, I look forward to this film as much as I do the upcoming screen-to-stage-back-to-screen adaptaion of Mel Brooks's "The Producers." Now that should be good. Let's hope "Rent" can pay its bill this time.
28.9.05
The Dreamers
What a crock of shit this movie is. Don't see it.
Scrach that. See it -- the NC-17 version -- if only for more glimpses at Michael Pitt's bodily goodness. But like all lovelies, just imagine him without all the talking. Looky, no hear...y.
Scrach that. See it -- the NC-17 version -- if only for more glimpses at Michael Pitt's bodily goodness. But like all lovelies, just imagine him without all the talking. Looky, no hear...y.
26.9.05
An Apple a Day, or So They Say
Apple has not approved of the use of their gay dancing black man as
seen on the bottom right of this window. They have also not
disapproved, so there you go.
I have started calling my lady friends "boo" and my male friends
"Mark." Why Mark? Why not?
On the topic of Mark, do you know why so many gay men are named Mark?
Or why so many Marks are born gay? Or why we park in a driveway and
drive in a parkway?
E-mail me at bdsiegel@gmail.com with your thoughts. Until then, be kind, rewind.
15.6.05
Phrases recently overheard on an episode of MTV's "Next," causing me to vomit repeatedly in my mouth
Come on ladies, which one of you is going to scale this mountain of manhood?
If she has no sass, she can kiss my ass.
Hey Benjamin, you didn't pick me and you missed out on this (lifts his shirt up).
I'm Hillary, I'm 20, and there's no way (I won't get picked) because (moment of pause) I've got a third nipple.
I'm Nicole, I'm 19, and my strategy is to have no strategy. I don't need one.
I thought about going blonde, but I talked to my hairdresser and he goes, "Prepare for six months of depression, because people don't notice you as much." They don't see the light, you know what I mean? (Snaps as if to say, "You go girlfriend" and "Can I get a witness, ladies?")
(There was also a girl named Kourtney with a K.)
(Six minutes later...) What? Look at you and your jock-ass basketball uniform. Bye Bye! You don't even deserve to see my third nipple! Bitch! (Sashays and shauntays off in a tiffy.)
(Back in the trailer, one girl comments on the current girl's cold shoulder): To be honest, she's been the least friendly. I told her, "I like your bracelet," and she goes, "Thanks."
I hope he appreciates my tan.
(After taking a lie-detector test and being dumped for admitting there was a more attractive girl on the bus): I should have lied. Why didn't I lie? I always lie.
(When asked if she'd ever cheated on her boyfriend, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(When then asked if she was a virgin, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(Guy): Kourtney, I completely respect the fact that you're a virgin. We've been on a date for 42 minutes, so you've earned $42. You can either take the money or go on a second date with me.
(Response): You know when I said I thought you were hot on the lie-detector test? Yeah, I was lying. I'm out of here.
If she has no sass, she can kiss my ass.
Hey Benjamin, you didn't pick me and you missed out on this (lifts his shirt up).
I'm Hillary, I'm 20, and there's no way (I won't get picked) because (moment of pause) I've got a third nipple.
I'm Nicole, I'm 19, and my strategy is to have no strategy. I don't need one.
I thought about going blonde, but I talked to my hairdresser and he goes, "Prepare for six months of depression, because people don't notice you as much." They don't see the light, you know what I mean? (Snaps as if to say, "You go girlfriend" and "Can I get a witness, ladies?")
(There was also a girl named Kourtney with a K.)
(Six minutes later...) What? Look at you and your jock-ass basketball uniform. Bye Bye! You don't even deserve to see my third nipple! Bitch! (Sashays and shauntays off in a tiffy.)
(Back in the trailer, one girl comments on the current girl's cold shoulder): To be honest, she's been the least friendly. I told her, "I like your bracelet," and she goes, "Thanks."
I hope he appreciates my tan.
(After taking a lie-detector test and being dumped for admitting there was a more attractive girl on the bus): I should have lied. Why didn't I lie? I always lie.
(When asked if she'd ever cheated on her boyfriend, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(When then asked if she was a virgin, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(Guy): Kourtney, I completely respect the fact that you're a virgin. We've been on a date for 42 minutes, so you've earned $42. You can either take the money or go on a second date with me.
(Response): You know when I said I thought you were hot on the lie-detector test? Yeah, I was lying. I'm out of here.
17.5.05
Upon what is happening, upon?
I just changed the channel and fell upon "The View," where upon I heard upon Barbara Walters say upon hearing Meredith say something about semen, upon: "Premature ejaculation IS part of the orgasm."
That's a view I never thought I'd get. Keep it closed, Barbara. Stick to topics you know about, like Fidel's favorite Estefan song and what kind of tree Katie Hepburn is.
Good lord!
That's a view I never thought I'd get. Keep it closed, Barbara. Stick to topics you know about, like Fidel's favorite Estefan song and what kind of tree Katie Hepburn is.
Good lord!
TiVo for the TiVo-challeneged: The Ellen Degeneres Show (5/17/05)
10:00 a.m.
On today's Ellen Degeneres show, Brit and KFed made their first (live) television appearance together. It was the most uninteresting thing ever. E------VER. He's even more of a complete idiot than we had previously known. He talks quieter than a dead person and she just curls his hair with her finger. When asked what he likes about her, what attracted her to him, all he can come up with is, "I don't know. She's fun." Ellen then asks her the same question, to which she replies, "The same."
10:35 a.m.
Then the Backstreet Boys made their first-ever (auu mahh gauuudd! their first eeeevah!!!) appearance on the show, singing their newest "hit" (because that's what they're legally obligated to call it) called "I'm Gay" or something or other. One of them was playing the piano, though I could have sworn I caught him in a Ashlee moment. I never knew piano-synching was still relevant in today's pop/rock/punk/pop industry. Another one -- the blond one who was banging Paris until she dumbed his 11-year-old ass -- ended the song on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. Maybe he finally heard the notes they were whining -- I mean singing.
10:48 a.m.
In a featured clip from Chaotic, the new reality show premiering tonight, Britney asks her fiancee what he thinks about marriage, and he shoots back with "Uhhhhggggh (agitated) ... uhhh, love is love." Well as long as you're committed to the relationship, KFed. Go back to your Big Gulp and man-tan.
10:49 a.m.
After the break, Britney and KFed are back to receive the baby gift Ellen has for them. Maybe it's a gift certificate for a better marriage.
10:50 a.m.
Hahahaha, oh no, it's even better. Ellen has a deluxe baby carriage with rims and neon undercarraige lights (haha, undercarraige), it even has a built-in DVD player. Babies? Neon? Yay! I'm going to get an STD tonight!
10:56 a.m.
Oh, it looks like they're back to sing one of their actual "hits." This one is "I Want It That Way," the once proposed theme song to Burger King's cheeseburger ad campaign. I'd like mine flame broiled, please. The guys, that is, not my burger. Wow, they've never sucked so much singing a shitty pop song, and that's saying a lot.
10:59 a.m.
Woops! TiVo accidentally cuts out in the middle of their big hit. Oh well, I wanted it that way anyway.
On today's Ellen Degeneres show, Brit and KFed made their first (live) television appearance together. It was the most uninteresting thing ever. E------VER. He's even more of a complete idiot than we had previously known. He talks quieter than a dead person and she just curls his hair with her finger. When asked what he likes about her, what attracted her to him, all he can come up with is, "I don't know. She's fun." Ellen then asks her the same question, to which she replies, "The same."
10:35 a.m.
Then the Backstreet Boys made their first-ever (auu mahh gauuudd! their first eeeevah!!!) appearance on the show, singing their newest "hit" (because that's what they're legally obligated to call it) called "I'm Gay" or something or other. One of them was playing the piano, though I could have sworn I caught him in a Ashlee moment. I never knew piano-synching was still relevant in today's pop/rock/punk/pop industry. Another one -- the blond one who was banging Paris until she dumbed his 11-year-old ass -- ended the song on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. Maybe he finally heard the notes they were whining -- I mean singing.
10:48 a.m.
In a featured clip from Chaotic, the new reality show premiering tonight, Britney asks her fiancee what he thinks about marriage, and he shoots back with "Uhhhhggggh (agitated) ... uhhh, love is love." Well as long as you're committed to the relationship, KFed. Go back to your Big Gulp and man-tan.
10:49 a.m.
After the break, Britney and KFed are back to receive the baby gift Ellen has for them. Maybe it's a gift certificate for a better marriage.
10:50 a.m.
Hahahaha, oh no, it's even better. Ellen has a deluxe baby carriage with rims and neon undercarraige lights (haha, undercarraige), it even has a built-in DVD player. Babies? Neon? Yay! I'm going to get an STD tonight!
10:56 a.m.
Oh, it looks like they're back to sing one of their actual "hits." This one is "I Want It That Way," the once proposed theme song to Burger King's cheeseburger ad campaign. I'd like mine flame broiled, please. The guys, that is, not my burger. Wow, they've never sucked so much singing a shitty pop song, and that's saying a lot.
10:59 a.m.
Woops! TiVo accidentally cuts out in the middle of their big hit. Oh well, I wanted it that way anyway.
13.5.05
An Apple a Day Keep the Daylight Away
I can't stop using the Dashboard feature on the new Apple Tiger. I also can't stop calling it Apple LeTigre.
15.4.05
You know you want one
Don't lie, you all watched it. Or if you didn't, do you now. Now you
can be a part of history and own a shirt commemorating the fine, sassy
lady you are, deep down inside. Don't worry, I don't make much profit.
Just a few cents. Okay, that's a lie. But really, I don't do this for
the cash. I have a retail job; I have plenty of...no wait, I don't.
Enjoy, and don't spend your whole check just yet. There's more coming.
I'm not going to give away the surprise just yet, but let's just say
you won't be able to take your mouse off it!
Visit now, and be wowed: http://www.cafepress.com/befeard
And remember, you're a pal and a confidant.
Best,
Ben Siegel
bdsiegel@buffalo.edu
23.3.05
Lake Erie is not an ocean, and therefore does not qualify me as being bi-coastal. That, and I don't have another coast.
I used to listen to the Billy Ocean song, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" and I would swear the lyrics went, "Get out of my car/Get into my dreams." I know it's not right to sing an upbeat Billy "Caribbean Queen" Ocean song about telling your girl to get out of your car, but it sure was funnier at the time.
22.3.05
American Idle
Why is Donny Osmond in the audience for American Idol?
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.
17.3.05
What are you, a fucking world travalah?
From now on, I'm signing all correspondence with a version of the following:
Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville
...you get the point.
Send more. And cookies.
Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville
...you get the point.
Send more. And cookies.
Ha-penis is hard to come by
The sperm whale's penis is 5 feet long.
Food for thought.
I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.
Food for thought.
I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.
16.3.05
Comb your harrrrrr
Today. Starts. Anew. A new. Whatever.
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:
This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:
This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!
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