Come on ladies, which one of you is going to scale this mountain of manhood?
If she has no sass, she can kiss my ass.
Hey Benjamin, you didn't pick me and you missed out on this (lifts his shirt up).
I'm Hillary, I'm 20, and there's no way (I won't get picked) because (moment of pause) I've got a third nipple.
I'm Nicole, I'm 19, and my strategy is to have no strategy. I don't need one.
I thought about going blonde, but I talked to my hairdresser and he goes, "Prepare for six months of depression, because people don't notice you as much." They don't see the light, you know what I mean? (Snaps as if to say, "You go girlfriend" and "Can I get a witness, ladies?")
(There was also a girl named Kourtney with a K.)
(Six minutes later...) What? Look at you and your jock-ass basketball uniform. Bye Bye! You don't even deserve to see my third nipple! Bitch! (Sashays and shauntays off in a tiffy.)
(Back in the trailer, one girl comments on the current girl's cold shoulder): To be honest, she's been the least friendly. I told her, "I like your bracelet," and she goes, "Thanks."
I hope he appreciates my tan.
(After taking a lie-detector test and being dumped for admitting there was a more attractive girl on the bus): I should have lied. Why didn't I lie? I always lie.
(When asked if she'd ever cheated on her boyfriend, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(When then asked if she was a virgin, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(Guy): Kourtney, I completely respect the fact that you're a virgin. We've been on a date for 42 minutes, so you've earned $42. You can either take the money or go on a second date with me.
(Response): You know when I said I thought you were hot on the lie-detector test? Yeah, I was lying. I'm out of here.
15.6.05
17.5.05
Upon what is happening, upon?
I just changed the channel and fell upon "The View," where upon I heard upon Barbara Walters say upon hearing Meredith say something about semen, upon: "Premature ejaculation IS part of the orgasm."
That's a view I never thought I'd get. Keep it closed, Barbara. Stick to topics you know about, like Fidel's favorite Estefan song and what kind of tree Katie Hepburn is.
Good lord!
That's a view I never thought I'd get. Keep it closed, Barbara. Stick to topics you know about, like Fidel's favorite Estefan song and what kind of tree Katie Hepburn is.
Good lord!
TiVo for the TiVo-challeneged: The Ellen Degeneres Show (5/17/05)
10:00 a.m.
On today's Ellen Degeneres show, Brit and KFed made their first (live) television appearance together. It was the most uninteresting thing ever. E------VER. He's even more of a complete idiot than we had previously known. He talks quieter than a dead person and she just curls his hair with her finger. When asked what he likes about her, what attracted her to him, all he can come up with is, "I don't know. She's fun." Ellen then asks her the same question, to which she replies, "The same."
10:35 a.m.
Then the Backstreet Boys made their first-ever (auu mahh gauuudd! their first eeeevah!!!) appearance on the show, singing their newest "hit" (because that's what they're legally obligated to call it) called "I'm Gay" or something or other. One of them was playing the piano, though I could have sworn I caught him in a Ashlee moment. I never knew piano-synching was still relevant in today's pop/rock/punk/pop industry. Another one -- the blond one who was banging Paris until she dumbed his 11-year-old ass -- ended the song on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. Maybe he finally heard the notes they were whining -- I mean singing.
10:48 a.m.
In a featured clip from Chaotic, the new reality show premiering tonight, Britney asks her fiancee what he thinks about marriage, and he shoots back with "Uhhhhggggh (agitated) ... uhhh, love is love." Well as long as you're committed to the relationship, KFed. Go back to your Big Gulp and man-tan.
10:49 a.m.
After the break, Britney and KFed are back to receive the baby gift Ellen has for them. Maybe it's a gift certificate for a better marriage.
10:50 a.m.
Hahahaha, oh no, it's even better. Ellen has a deluxe baby carriage with rims and neon undercarraige lights (haha, undercarraige), it even has a built-in DVD player. Babies? Neon? Yay! I'm going to get an STD tonight!
10:56 a.m.
Oh, it looks like they're back to sing one of their actual "hits." This one is "I Want It That Way," the once proposed theme song to Burger King's cheeseburger ad campaign. I'd like mine flame broiled, please. The guys, that is, not my burger. Wow, they've never sucked so much singing a shitty pop song, and that's saying a lot.
10:59 a.m.
Woops! TiVo accidentally cuts out in the middle of their big hit. Oh well, I wanted it that way anyway.
On today's Ellen Degeneres show, Brit and KFed made their first (live) television appearance together. It was the most uninteresting thing ever. E------VER. He's even more of a complete idiot than we had previously known. He talks quieter than a dead person and she just curls his hair with her finger. When asked what he likes about her, what attracted her to him, all he can come up with is, "I don't know. She's fun." Ellen then asks her the same question, to which she replies, "The same."
10:35 a.m.
Then the Backstreet Boys made their first-ever (auu mahh gauuudd! their first eeeevah!!!) appearance on the show, singing their newest "hit" (because that's what they're legally obligated to call it) called "I'm Gay" or something or other. One of them was playing the piano, though I could have sworn I caught him in a Ashlee moment. I never knew piano-synching was still relevant in today's pop/rock/punk/pop industry. Another one -- the blond one who was banging Paris until she dumbed his 11-year-old ass -- ended the song on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. Maybe he finally heard the notes they were whining -- I mean singing.
10:48 a.m.
In a featured clip from Chaotic, the new reality show premiering tonight, Britney asks her fiancee what he thinks about marriage, and he shoots back with "Uhhhhggggh (agitated) ... uhhh, love is love." Well as long as you're committed to the relationship, KFed. Go back to your Big Gulp and man-tan.
10:49 a.m.
After the break, Britney and KFed are back to receive the baby gift Ellen has for them. Maybe it's a gift certificate for a better marriage.
10:50 a.m.
Hahahaha, oh no, it's even better. Ellen has a deluxe baby carriage with rims and neon undercarraige lights (haha, undercarraige), it even has a built-in DVD player. Babies? Neon? Yay! I'm going to get an STD tonight!
10:56 a.m.
Oh, it looks like they're back to sing one of their actual "hits." This one is "I Want It That Way," the once proposed theme song to Burger King's cheeseburger ad campaign. I'd like mine flame broiled, please. The guys, that is, not my burger. Wow, they've never sucked so much singing a shitty pop song, and that's saying a lot.
10:59 a.m.
Woops! TiVo accidentally cuts out in the middle of their big hit. Oh well, I wanted it that way anyway.
13.5.05
An Apple a Day Keep the Daylight Away
I can't stop using the Dashboard feature on the new Apple Tiger. I also can't stop calling it Apple LeTigre.
15.4.05
You know you want one
Don't lie, you all watched it. Or if you didn't, do you now. Now you
can be a part of history and own a shirt commemorating the fine, sassy
lady you are, deep down inside. Don't worry, I don't make much profit.
Just a few cents. Okay, that's a lie. But really, I don't do this for
the cash. I have a retail job; I have plenty of...no wait, I don't.
Enjoy, and don't spend your whole check just yet. There's more coming.
I'm not going to give away the surprise just yet, but let's just say
you won't be able to take your mouse off it!
Visit now, and be wowed: http://www.cafepress.com/befeard
And remember, you're a pal and a confidant.
Best,
Ben Siegel
bdsiegel@buffalo.edu
23.3.05
Lake Erie is not an ocean, and therefore does not qualify me as being bi-coastal. That, and I don't have another coast.
I used to listen to the Billy Ocean song, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" and I would swear the lyrics went, "Get out of my car/Get into my dreams." I know it's not right to sing an upbeat Billy "Caribbean Queen" Ocean song about telling your girl to get out of your car, but it sure was funnier at the time.
22.3.05
American Idle
Why is Donny Osmond in the audience for American Idol?
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.
17.3.05
What are you, a fucking world travalah?
From now on, I'm signing all correspondence with a version of the following:
Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville
...you get the point.
Send more. And cookies.
Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville
...you get the point.
Send more. And cookies.
Ha-penis is hard to come by
The sperm whale's penis is 5 feet long.
Food for thought.
I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.
Food for thought.
I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.
16.3.05
Comb your harrrrrr
Today. Starts. Anew. A new. Whatever.
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:
This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:
This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!
Hi Kim + Haiku = Kimku
Kimberly Simberly
Facts of Life
Living Single
Kim Fields
Tootie
Pootie
Tang
Wang-o
Tang-o
Simply Simberly
Kimply Kimberly
Kimberly Simberly
Wheaties
Breakfast of Champions
intermezzo
Kim
Berly
Sim
Berly
Hurly Burly
Kim-hurly Sim-burly
Sim-hurly Kim-burly
Kimberly Simberly
Timberly
Timbaland
featuring Missy Eliot
Misserly Elioterly
Supa Dupa Flyerly
Fly early
Avoid traffic
Catch the red eye
From Los Angeles
Kimberly Simberly
Facts of Life
Living Single
Kim Fields
Tootie
Pootie
Tang
Wang-o
Tang-o
Simply Simberly
Kimply Kimberly
Kimberly Simberly
Wheaties
Breakfast of Champions
intermezzo
Kim
Berly
Sim
Berly
Hurly Burly
Kim-hurly Sim-burly
Sim-hurly Kim-burly
Kimberly Simberly
Timberly
Timbaland
featuring Missy Eliot
Misserly Elioterly
Supa Dupa Flyerly
Fly early
Avoid traffic
Catch the red eye
From Los Angeles
Kimberly Simberly
I like cuddling, soft kisses, and long walks on the beach...
Kimberly Simberly.
Kimberly Simberly.
Why won't you by my frienderly?
I'm waiting by the phonerly
for your callerly.
Kimberly Simberly.
I loverly. Youerly.
Yours sincerely,
Tom Foolery.
Kimberly Simberly.
Why won't you by my frienderly?
I'm waiting by the phonerly
for your callerly.
Kimberly Simberly.
I loverly. Youerly.
Yours sincerely,
Tom Foolery.
4.3.05
Like "Steel Magnolias," only not at all
While looking through Pollstar, I saw that Julia Roberts is coming to the Erie County Fair on Aug. 15.
Then I read it again and saw that it was Julie Roberts.
Then I read it again and saw that it was Julie Roberts.
3.3.05
Studying a broad
"I'm young and I only got my boobs, like a year and a half ago, so of course they're going to look good. I love 'em." -Lindsay Lohan in a recent W Magazine interview.
"I'm 22-and-three-quarters and I only got my brain, like 22-and-three-quarters years ago, so of course I'm going to be smarter than Lindsay Lohan." -Me, after reading the interview.
"I'm 22-and-three-quarters and I only got my brain, like 22-and-three-quarters years ago, so of course I'm going to be smarter than Lindsay Lohan." -Me, after reading the interview.
Recently searched items on the Google shopping Web site
ibm thinkpad t40
mickey mouse toaster
digital camera
smartwool socks
bcbg shoes
beach chair
globe
flannel shirt
mountain bike
dresser
crepe maker
memory foam mattress
luna bars
camelbak classic
huggies diapers
celtic jewelry
king size mattress
gas can
poker chips
oil heater
coffee machine
knee socks
chalkboard
olympic weight set
wall safe
mickey mouse toaster
digital camera
smartwool socks
bcbg shoes
beach chair
globe
flannel shirt
mountain bike
dresser
crepe maker
memory foam mattress
luna bars
camelbak classic
huggies diapers
celtic jewelry
king size mattress
gas can
poker chips
oil heater
coffee machine
knee socks
chalkboard
olympic weight set
wall safe
24.2.05
Putting the Project(-ile Vomit) Back into Project Runway
So Kara Saun didn't win. I can't say I'm not surprised. I thought she'd take it all the way. Her designs aren't my cup of herbal tea (milk Splenda, please), but she's the golden child of that cast.
Jay, on the other hand, is quite talented and as the judges said in their deliberation, she -- I mean he -- is a true artiste. He lives in a hut in the middle of Pennsylvania with no running water or electricity. He has elves stitch his clothes for him, and his only source of nourishment is some residual tree bark left by M. Nature from the old elm in the back.
Wendy Pepper, on the other hand, is a bitch. I didn't see it until tonight. I always thought she was just hormonal. Now I know she's just whore-moan-al.
For next season, I'd like to see a cast of characters not unlike this year's group. Austin Scarlet O'Hara International Airport was quite a treat. He's, what do the kids say, a faggot. Yes, a faggot. That's it. His designs were nothing short of biblical and neither the judges nor the other contestants knew what to expect from him. Had he been in the final three, I'm sure he would have managed to surprise us all with his luxurious rabbit furr jackets. Only the rabbits would still be alive. Oh, how La Boeheme of him. I mean her.
I hope Wendy Pepper opens her store in Virginiasburg Lake, Virginia. She should remain in the design industry, though perhaps not in fashion. I think a signature line of Wendy Pepper swastika armbands would be pretty. Toss the traditional red, black and white color scheme for something more autumnal, like blood, bile and vomit.
Until next season -- during which Heidi Klum better be replaced by someone with a heart and upper lip -- we'll have to settle for the normal gay programming on Bravo. Showdog Moms and Dads premieres in March. I can't wait.
Aufweidershnitzelziegheil,
Ben T. Shirt
Jay, on the other hand, is quite talented and as the judges said in their deliberation, she -- I mean he -- is a true artiste. He lives in a hut in the middle of Pennsylvania with no running water or electricity. He has elves stitch his clothes for him, and his only source of nourishment is some residual tree bark left by M. Nature from the old elm in the back.
Wendy Pepper, on the other hand, is a bitch. I didn't see it until tonight. I always thought she was just hormonal. Now I know she's just whore-moan-al.
For next season, I'd like to see a cast of characters not unlike this year's group. Austin Scarlet O'Hara International Airport was quite a treat. He's, what do the kids say, a faggot. Yes, a faggot. That's it. His designs were nothing short of biblical and neither the judges nor the other contestants knew what to expect from him. Had he been in the final three, I'm sure he would have managed to surprise us all with his luxurious rabbit furr jackets. Only the rabbits would still be alive. Oh, how La Boeheme of him. I mean her.
I hope Wendy Pepper opens her store in Virginiasburg Lake, Virginia. She should remain in the design industry, though perhaps not in fashion. I think a signature line of Wendy Pepper swastika armbands would be pretty. Toss the traditional red, black and white color scheme for something more autumnal, like blood, bile and vomit.
Until next season -- during which Heidi Klum better be replaced by someone with a heart and upper lip -- we'll have to settle for the normal gay programming on Bravo. Showdog Moms and Dads premieres in March. I can't wait.
Aufweidershnitzelziegheil,
Ben T. Shirt
23.2.05
21.2.05
16.2.05
Fee Fi Foh Foah.... Noah
In the momentary lapse this morning during which I fell out of sleep, somewhere around 10:20 a.m., it was Noah Wylie who was on my television screen. He was a guest on the Ellen DeHilarious show -- for the fourth time this month. I did not expect this, since my trusty TiVo on-screen guide had outlined today's episode as featuring Simon Cowell.
I am not only disgruntled because my TV did not turn itself off last night before I went to sleep, but also because who isn't sick of seeing Noah Wylie get all the attention on daytime TV? I'm serious. He's on a shitty show that should have ended six years ago when the bed-swapping doctors were actually practicing medicine; not trying to navigate the Congo while shepherding a group of inner-city school children on a field trip which was made possible through a grant from the emergency room's canned soup-label drive. Also, tsunamis and earthquakes do NOT occur simultaneously in downtown Chicago hospital emergency rooms. They just don't. (Only during Sweeps, I guess.)
I'm sick of seeing Noah on Ellen's show every time someone cancels or is bumped a day. No one watches your show, Noah. And no one cares that you used to do more physical comedy, back when you were the intern for Batman and his bald tool buddy. I think I'd rather be under his care in the fake ER than actually watch him again.
Go back to your ark, Noah.
I gotta go find something to do. Later.
I am not only disgruntled because my TV did not turn itself off last night before I went to sleep, but also because who isn't sick of seeing Noah Wylie get all the attention on daytime TV? I'm serious. He's on a shitty show that should have ended six years ago when the bed-swapping doctors were actually practicing medicine; not trying to navigate the Congo while shepherding a group of inner-city school children on a field trip which was made possible through a grant from the emergency room's canned soup-label drive. Also, tsunamis and earthquakes do NOT occur simultaneously in downtown Chicago hospital emergency rooms. They just don't. (Only during Sweeps, I guess.)
I'm sick of seeing Noah on Ellen's show every time someone cancels or is bumped a day. No one watches your show, Noah. And no one cares that you used to do more physical comedy, back when you were the intern for Batman and his bald tool buddy. I think I'd rather be under his care in the fake ER than actually watch him again.
Go back to your ark, Noah.
I gotta go find something to do. Later.
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