hows about now? shall we give this another shot?
thefeard is in the building.
11.11.09
21.4.08
20.11.07
29.8.06
Guess who's coming to dinner...
So, I believe it's time that The Feard come back from its hibernation. The Feard is happy to be returning, though in all honesty, it can't recall why it left in the first place. It probably had something to do with a rusty vagina. Most problems usually do.
Anyfuck, be on the look out for a new look, new content and new reasons to fear the Feard.
Anyfuck, be on the look out for a new look, new content and new reasons to fear the Feard.
25.1.06
23.11.05
2005 Waste of My Time Awards
Twenty-five comments about the 2005 American Music Awards:
1. Mariah Carey hurts my head.
2. Lindsay Lohan should go back to doing nothing.
3. Kenny Chesney and Will Smith were sitting together. Are they an item now?
4. Cyndi Lauper is amazing. Take Bono's World Peace for the Mothership Prize away and give it to her.
5. Gwen Stefani. Give me a break.
6. "R. Kelly couldn't be here tonight, because he is trapped in a closet. We accept this award on his behalf."
7. Babyface? More like Oldmanbutt.
8. Serena Williams is 13 feet tall.
9. Shakira? More like Shitkira.
10. Why is Nicole Ritchie the special Utah correspondent? Come to think of it, why is there a special Utah correspondent?
11. First and foremost, God doesn't give a shit that you, Will Smith, thanks you. He's busy causing trouble in other lands, far, far away. And here, too. (See No. 2)
12. Get Will Smith off the motherfucking stage. He's not Bono. He's not even Cyndi Lauper. He's an asshole. Go thank God or something.
13. Missy Elliott on crutches. Let the hilarity ensue.
14. Who's this guy hosting? Oh, why it's Cedric the Un-entertaining.
15. Gretchen Wilson looks like my old Polish cleaning lady. That lady knew how to be Polish. And eat raw garlic.
16. "Unfortunately, The Black Eyed Peas couldn't be here tonight. They're stuck in a Best Buy commerical. We accept this award on their behalf."
17. The Eurythmics are awesome. Take Cyndi's award away and give it to Annie and Dave. Sweet bands are made of these.
18. Kay Jewelers and Babyface are presenting the greatest moments in American Music Awards history. Do they realize no one cares?
19. Who is that alien John Stamos is standing next to? Catherine someone. Catherine the Alien.
20. Oh, look! Macy Gray is standing on her own! She's been practicing.
21. Backstreet's back! And no! It's NOT alright!
22. Paris Hilton is presenting with the plumber from "Desperate Housewives." He's hot. She's not.
23. Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child fame should stop talking. She's not the one we paid to listen to all these years, and she's not the one we tuned in for tonight.
24. I'd usually say after a shitty 54-hour awards show, "Well at least Joan Rivers was funny." But this time, no Joan Rivers.
25. The letter I just wrote out in longhand on my personal stationary:
Dear Dick Clark,
After you get out of your coma because you're 392 years old, hire Joan Rivers. She's better than the 423 days of music and awards I just watched. Have fun in the hospital. Peek-a-boo! ICU!
Get it? ICU? Intensive Care Unit? More like Intensive Coma Unit for you, Dick, huh? Haha! Just kidding Dick.
Best wishes,
Benjamin Siegel
Thank you, and good night. We'll see you next year!
1. Mariah Carey hurts my head.
2. Lindsay Lohan should go back to doing nothing.
3. Kenny Chesney and Will Smith were sitting together. Are they an item now?
4. Cyndi Lauper is amazing. Take Bono's World Peace for the Mothership Prize away and give it to her.
5. Gwen Stefani. Give me a break.
6. "R. Kelly couldn't be here tonight, because he is trapped in a closet. We accept this award on his behalf."
7. Babyface? More like Oldmanbutt.
8. Serena Williams is 13 feet tall.
9. Shakira? More like Shitkira.
10. Why is Nicole Ritchie the special Utah correspondent? Come to think of it, why is there a special Utah correspondent?
11. First and foremost, God doesn't give a shit that you, Will Smith, thanks you. He's busy causing trouble in other lands, far, far away. And here, too. (See No. 2)
12. Get Will Smith off the motherfucking stage. He's not Bono. He's not even Cyndi Lauper. He's an asshole. Go thank God or something.
13. Missy Elliott on crutches. Let the hilarity ensue.
14. Who's this guy hosting? Oh, why it's Cedric the Un-entertaining.
15. Gretchen Wilson looks like my old Polish cleaning lady. That lady knew how to be Polish. And eat raw garlic.
16. "Unfortunately, The Black Eyed Peas couldn't be here tonight. They're stuck in a Best Buy commerical. We accept this award on their behalf."
17. The Eurythmics are awesome. Take Cyndi's award away and give it to Annie and Dave. Sweet bands are made of these.
18. Kay Jewelers and Babyface are presenting the greatest moments in American Music Awards history. Do they realize no one cares?
19. Who is that alien John Stamos is standing next to? Catherine someone. Catherine the Alien.
20. Oh, look! Macy Gray is standing on her own! She's been practicing.
21. Backstreet's back! And no! It's NOT alright!
22. Paris Hilton is presenting with the plumber from "Desperate Housewives." He's hot. She's not.
23. Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child fame should stop talking. She's not the one we paid to listen to all these years, and she's not the one we tuned in for tonight.
24. I'd usually say after a shitty 54-hour awards show, "Well at least Joan Rivers was funny." But this time, no Joan Rivers.
25. The letter I just wrote out in longhand on my personal stationary:
Dear Dick Clark,
After you get out of your coma because you're 392 years old, hire Joan Rivers. She's better than the 423 days of music and awards I just watched. Have fun in the hospital. Peek-a-boo! ICU!
Get it? ICU? Intensive Care Unit? More like Intensive Coma Unit for you, Dick, huh? Haha! Just kidding Dick.
Best wishes,
Benjamin Siegel
Thank you, and good night. We'll see you next year!
22.11.05
The Beating of Hillary Duff's Head
As I watched -- I mean suffered through -- the American Music Awards tonight, I could help but to notice a few things. But first, here's my interpretation of Hillary Duff's single, "Beat Of My Heart." The chorus goes like this:
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
Here we go again
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
She's going places with songwriting like that. She's going to hell.
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
Here we go again
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
She's going places with songwriting like that. She's going to hell.
YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE! YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE! YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE!
A joke, if you will so indulge me.
Q: What does Oprah say to her best friend Gail and live-in friend Steadman when they're arguing over who the better soulmate is? Oh, and Oprah's getting her hair done at the time.
A: "Weave me out of it!"
Thank you, folks. I'm here all hour.
Q: What does Oprah say to her best friend Gail and live-in friend Steadman when they're arguing over who the better soulmate is? Oh, and Oprah's getting her hair done at the time.
A: "Weave me out of it!"
Thank you, folks. I'm here all hour.
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