theFEARD

welcome to home

2009-11-11T20:43:00.004-05:00

hows about now? shall we give this another shot?

thefeard is in the building.

2008-04-21T01:04:00.001-04:00

no it's not.

2007-11-20T16:54:00.000-05:00

this blog.

it hasn't been around in a while.

but it's back.

it's back baby!

Guess who's coming to dinner...

2006-08-29T23:40:00.000-04:00

So, I believe it's time that The Feard come back from its hibernation. The Feard is happy to be returning, though in all honesty, it can't recall why it left in the first place. It probably had something to do with a rusty vagina. Most problems usually do.

Anyfuck, be on the look out for a new look, new content and new reasons to fear the Feard.

How insane!

2006-01-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

How nuts is this?

2005 Waste of My Time Awards

2005-11-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

Twenty-five comments about the 2005 American Music Awards:

1. Mariah Carey hurts my head.
2. Lindsay Lohan should go back to doing nothing.
3. Kenny Chesney and Will Smith were sitting together. Are they an item now?
4. Cyndi Lauper is amazing. Take Bono's World Peace for the Mothership Prize away and give it to her.
5. Gwen Stefani. Give me a break.
6. "R. Kelly couldn't be here tonight, because he is trapped in a closet. We accept this award on his behalf."
7. Babyface? More like Oldmanbutt.
8. Serena Williams is 13 feet tall.
9. Shakira? More like Shitkira.
10. Why is Nicole Ritchie the special Utah correspondent? Come to think of it, why is there a special Utah correspondent?
11. First and foremost, God doesn't give a shit that you, Will Smith, thanks you. He's busy causing trouble in other lands, far, far away. And here, too. (See No. 2)
12. Get Will Smith off the motherfucking stage. He's not Bono. He's not even Cyndi Lauper. He's an asshole. Go thank God or something.
13. Missy Elliott on crutches. Let the hilarity ensue.
14. Who's this guy hosting? Oh, why it's Cedric the Un-entertaining.
15. Gretchen Wilson looks like my old Polish cleaning lady. That lady knew how to be Polish. And eat raw garlic.
16. "Unfortunately, The Black Eyed Peas couldn't be here tonight. They're stuck in a Best Buy commerical. We accept this award on their behalf."
17. The Eurythmics are awesome. Take Cyndi's award away and give it to Annie and Dave. Sweet bands are made of these.
18. Kay Jewelers and Babyface are presenting the greatest moments in American Music Awards history. Do they realize no one cares?
19. Who is that alien John Stamos is standing next to? Catherine someone. Catherine the Alien.
20. Oh, look! Macy Gray is standing on her own! She's been practicing.
21. Backstreet's back! And no! It's NOT alright!
22. Paris Hilton is presenting with the plumber from "Desperate Housewives." He's hot. She's not.
23. Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child fame should stop talking. She's not the one we paid to listen to all these years, and she's not the one we tuned in for tonight.
24. I'd usually say after a shitty 54-hour awards show, "Well at least Joan Rivers was funny." But this time, no Joan Rivers.
25. The letter I just wrote out in longhand on my personal stationary:

Dear Dick Clark,
After you get out of your coma because you're 392 years old, hire Joan Rivers. She's better than the 423 days of music and awards I just watched. Have fun in the hospital. Peek-a-boo! ICU!
Get it? ICU? Intensive Care Unit? More like Intensive Coma Unit for you, Dick, huh? Haha! Just kidding Dick.
Best wishes,
Benjamin Siegel

Thank you, and good night. We'll see you next year!

The Beating of Hillary Duff's Head

2005-11-22T23:50:00.000-05:00

As I watched -- I mean suffered through -- the American Music Awards tonight, I could help but to notice a few things. But first, here's my interpretation of Hillary Duff's single, "Beat Of My Heart." The chorus goes like this:

The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
Here we go again
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart
The beat of my heart

She's going places with songwriting like that. She's going to hell.

YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE! YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE! YOU WIN A HAIRPIECE!

2005-11-22T21:03:00.000-05:00

A joke, if you will so indulge me.

Q: What does Oprah say to her best friend Gail and live-in friend Steadman when they're arguing over who the better soulmate is? Oh, and Oprah's getting her hair done at the time.
A: "Weave me out of it!"

Thank you, folks. I'm here all hour.

Dating Is The New Not-Dating

2005-11-21T00:38:00.000-05:00

I should be paid for coming up with this stuff. My latest idea for a TV show:

Intimidate, the show where a lovely young lady must endure a knife-wielding bastard through rounds of scare tactics and horrible fake designer fashions. If she can stand the test of the blind date from hell -- if she can indeed survive non-stop indimidation -- then she wins a second date (which will invariably end with a murder). Coming soon to the NBCBSABCWBMSFOX superchannel, between Geraldo's new mustache-athon and Oprah's latest weave.

Oops I Puked My Pants v.2

2005-11-02T21:26:00.000-05:00

Update: Okay, so he's been at his table playing chess now for three-point-no-seconds and is now back in the loo. That's 15 times. I'm not leaving my seat until he leaves. I hope he's not a homeless fetishistic chronic bathroom-using tapeworm victim.

I just can't STAND his kind.

Oops I Puked My Pants

2005-11-02T21:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in this here coffee shop in this here city not so devoid of hotties, and one boy who doesn't draw my attention for the right reasons has been on my mind for the last two hours.

I've been here since 7 p.m., it's not 9:19 p.m. and he's gone to the bathroom 14 times. He's in there for about a minute or two at a time, walks out, wait until one or two more customers uses it, then goes back for another round.

He's either got really bad indigestion (maybe he ordered the quiche) or tapeworm. I'm not a doctor, but from where I'm sitting -- a cool 15, 20 feet away I'd say -- I can safely say it's quiche or tapeworm. Take my word for it.

Right now, he's waiting for another go-around, and he's listening in on whoever's in there. Do we have a fetish on our hands? (Well, his hands, not ours.)

....

......

Um, excuse me. I had to vomit in my mouth.

Yabba Dabba Do-You-Have-an-Umbrella?

2005-10-19T15:46:00.000-04:00

I don't discount the atrocities of a devestating category-5 hurricane. Certainly Wilma will ruin many a life and destroy our faith in the Gods of the Gulf (aka Jeb and his going-steady, Katherine "Al Gore So Did Not Win in 2000, Jesus Told Me So" the former Florida attorney general), to say nothing of our national adoration of one Mr. Fred and his Flintstone clan.

(This is why they* invented The Weather Channel. And that pig-fucker Al Roker. What a douche.)

But as it seems we're in for a season of mutiny, we should discuss plans to conquer Mother Nature's Storm of the Century of the Year 2005: Live on Ice. Word on the streets is she's a bitch who hasn't kicked her smack habit and isn't about to go to Promises. We can only hope.

So here's my idea: In order to curb the enthusiasm of celebrites and those who wish to get their photos taken carrying boxes of bottled water and cheese sammages to victims, I'm going to donate all the money required to bail a major Southern metropolitan city from a hurricane, fromt he dinkiest of rain trickles to the most horrific category-a million.

Here's what I want in return: At the time of payment (my PayPal account is currently frozen due to some bad betting on a life-sized Jared Leto poster--er, I mean, an old, uh, book of something--but I'm good for it), I request the naming rights to said as-yet-unleashed storm. That's right. I get to name it, for a to-be-determined sum of American currency, and the money goes to the victims of the horrible, devestating, really bad hurricane.

It's a brilliant idea, and unlike some of my gems, one I came up completely on my own. People have rolled their eyes, but I think it's because they're embarrased they didn't come up with it on their own. They'll learn.

In the meantime, I am taking donations for what I am calling Help Save The People From the Hurricanes of the Future Fund. Any donation is welcome, nothing is too small.** So open your pocketbooks, take out your wallets, and give, give, give! Wilma needs our attention.

Or should I say, Hurricane Bjork.

*I want to start a Web site called www.they.com where we, I mean "they," say everything they always say. You know, they say there's going to be snow this weekend. They also say drinking one glass of wine a day combats heart disease. I didn't say it, they did. I mean us. We are they, and us are you.

**Nothing below $4 million, please. This isn't PBS. We know you have it.

Chew-me-up-and-spit-me-out-bacca is Back!

2005-10-12T22:17:00.000-04:00

There was a girl we, I mean they, called Chewbacca in high school. She had monstrous red hair and a mouth that could make your eyes water in fright.*

Anyshit, here's a story you're going to love. It's got all the elements of a heartbreaker: Intrigue, international espionage, some really huge hairy man tits. Be careful. It might bite.

My favorite paragraph is the fourth, but some say the sixth is a killer too. Read them all. Have a toilet handy.

-Ben-bacca

*I typed freight by mistake at first, before realizing it didn't make sense to say "eyes water in freight." Unless, of course, you were on a train and you were crying. Back to my stories.

Carrie Oakey

2005-10-07T21:28:00.000-04:00

Why are people so afraid of karaoke? It's a lovely way to spend an evening out at the local dive with your friends and your alcohol. It's also the best way to show off your Neil Diamond infatuation.
Everywhere around the world. He's coming to America.
Oh yes. He is coming. To. America.

Pass the salt

2005-10-03T22:40:00.000-04:00

My fourth grade teacher was named Mr. Bland, and while he lived up to that moniker on an hourly basis, there was a quality he posessed that was informed, vibrant; very un-bland. To this day the first thing I think of when I think of Mr. Bland, besides the obsessive computer jokes and musings about how the world was going to crumble before our eyes if we didn't back up every library book on a simple personal computer, or how he took great pride in the newspaper hats he made us assemble like cheap Americanized oragami on Paper Day (because reading the paper would be too easy, too...bland) ...

Okay, so the third thing I think of when I think of Mr. Steve Bland was a stupid joke he told us about a headless man. Like the myriad folds of the Peter Pan-like newspaper hat, I can't remember the steps leading up to the final product. But what I do remember is the punchline: "You better quit while you're a head."

We'd laugh, mostly to comply with his threats of a doomed natural existence on account of the un-archived books. But we'd also laugh because he was just too simple to be taken seriously. "Quit while you're a head." Pause. "Get it?"

Oh man.

Pay My "Rent"

2005-09-29T15:47:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here with my coffee listening to the new film soundtrack to "Rent." Like most people between the ages of 20 and infinity who were touched by "Rent" nearly 10 years ago, this is a moment long in the waiting. I can't say I ever felt this show was destined for the large screen. It was written for the stage by a man who loved the stage, and though its heart and soul is universal in physical and intellectual scope, it never lended well in my mind to the realist language of film.

That said, all firsthand accounts of the film's Manhattan and San Francisco shoots claim it to be a moving and effective translation. Chris Columbus, who reminded us a few years back that leaving children alone at home is a bad idea, is said to have had a personal connection to this text and the musical form as a whole. Let's hope he's right. I certainly give him a lot of credit for going for the gold with this one -- mess "Rent" up and you're going to have many angry pseudo-Bohemians knocking on your door. And they're likely to have a guitar. Good lord.

Despite any prejudiced forethoughts, I look forward to this film as much as I do the upcoming screen-to-stage-back-to-screen adaptaion of Mel Brooks's "The Producers." Now that should be good. Let's hope "Rent" can pay its bill this time.

The Dreamers

2005-09-28T19:17:00.000-04:00

What a crock of shit this movie is. Don't see it.

Scrach that. See it -- the NC-17 version -- if only for more glimpses at Michael Pitt's bodily goodness. But like all lovelies, just imagine him without all the talking. Looky, no hear...y.

An Apple a Day, or So They Say

2005-09-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

Apple has not approved of the use of their gay dancing black man as
seen on the bottom right of this window. They have also not
disapproved, so there you go.

I have started calling my lady friends "boo" and my male friends
"Mark." Why Mark? Why not?

On the topic of Mark, do you know why so many gay men are named Mark?
Or why so many Marks are born gay? Or why we park in a driveway and
drive in a parkway?

E-mail me at bdsiegel@gmail.com with your thoughts. Until then, be kind, rewind.

Phrases recently overheard on an episode of MTV's "Next," causing me to vomit repeatedly in my mouth

2005-06-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

Come on ladies, which one of you is going to scale this mountain of manhood?

If she has no sass, she can kiss my ass.

Hey Benjamin, you didn't pick me and you missed out on this (lifts his shirt up).

I'm Hillary, I'm 20, and there's no way (I won't get picked) because (moment of pause) I've got a third nipple.

I'm Nicole, I'm 19, and my strategy is to have no strategy. I don't need one.

I thought about going blonde, but I talked to my hairdresser and he goes, "Prepare for six months of depression, because people don't notice you as much." They don't see the light, you know what I mean? (Snaps as if to say, "You go girlfriend" and "Can I get a witness, ladies?")

(There was also a girl named Kourtney with a K.)

(Six minutes later...) What? Look at you and your jock-ass basketball uniform. Bye Bye! You don't even deserve to see my third nipple! Bitch! (Sashays and shauntays off in a tiffy.)

(Back in the trailer, one girl comments on the current girl's cold shoulder): To be honest, she's been the least friendly. I told her, "I like your bracelet," and she goes, "Thanks."

I hope he appreciates my tan.

(After taking a lie-detector test and being dumped for admitting there was a more attractive girl on the bus): I should have lied. Why didn't I lie? I always lie.

(When asked if she'd ever cheated on her boyfriend, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.
(When then asked if she was a virgin, Kourtney with a K says): Yes.

(Guy): Kourtney, I completely respect the fact that you're a virgin. We've been on a date for 42 minutes, so you've earned $42. You can either take the money or go on a second date with me.
(Response): You know when I said I thought you were hot on the lie-detector test? Yeah, I was lying. I'm out of here.

Upon what is happening, upon?

2005-05-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

I just changed the channel and fell upon "The View," where upon I heard upon Barbara Walters say upon hearing Meredith say something about semen, upon: "Premature ejaculation IS part of the orgasm."

That's a view I never thought I'd get. Keep it closed, Barbara. Stick to topics you know about, like Fidel's favorite Estefan song and what kind of tree Katie Hepburn is.

Good lord!

TiVo for the TiVo-challeneged: The Ellen Degeneres Show (5/17/05)

2005-05-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

10:00 a.m.
On today's Ellen Degeneres show, Brit and KFed made their first (live) television appearance together. It was the most uninteresting thing ever. E------VER. He's even more of a complete idiot than we had previously known. He talks quieter than a dead person and she just curls his hair with her finger. When asked what he likes about her, what attracted her to him, all he can come up with is, "I don't know. She's fun." Ellen then asks her the same question, to which she replies, "The same."

10:35 a.m.
Then the Backstreet Boys made their first-ever (auu mahh gauuudd! their first eeeevah!!!) appearance on the show, singing their newest "hit" (because that's what they're legally obligated to call it) called "I'm Gay" or something or other. One of them was playing the piano, though I could have sworn I caught him in a Ashlee moment. I never knew piano-synching was still relevant in today's pop/rock/punk/pop industry. Another one -- the blond one who was banging Paris until she dumbed his 11-year-old ass -- ended the song on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. Maybe he finally heard the notes they were whining -- I mean singing.

10:48 a.m.
In a featured clip from Chaotic, the new reality show premiering tonight, Britney asks her fiancee what he thinks about marriage, and he shoots back with "Uhhhhggggh (agitated) ... uhhh, love is love." Well as long as you're committed to the relationship, KFed. Go back to your Big Gulp and man-tan.

10:49 a.m.
After the break, Britney and KFed are back to receive the baby gift Ellen has for them. Maybe it's a gift certificate for a better marriage.

10:50 a.m.
Hahahaha, oh no, it's even better. Ellen has a deluxe baby carriage with rims and neon undercarraige lights (haha, undercarraige), it even has a built-in DVD player. Babies? Neon? Yay! I'm going to get an STD tonight!

10:56 a.m.
Oh, it looks like they're back to sing one of their actual "hits." This one is "I Want It That Way," the once proposed theme song to Burger King's cheeseburger ad campaign. I'd like mine flame broiled, please. The guys, that is, not my burger. Wow, they've never sucked so much singing a shitty pop song, and that's saying a lot.

10:59 a.m.
Woops! TiVo accidentally cuts out in the middle of their big hit. Oh well, I wanted it that way anyway.

An Apple a Day Keep the Daylight Away

2005-05-13T00:10:00.000-04:00

I can't stop using the Dashboard feature on the new Apple Tiger. I also can't stop calling it Apple LeTigre.

You know you want one

2005-04-15T02:59:00.000-04:00

Don't lie, you all watched it. Or if you didn't, do you now. Now you
can be a part of history and own a shirt commemorating the fine, sassy
lady you are, deep down inside. Don't worry, I don't make much profit.
Just a few cents. Okay, that's a lie. But really, I don't do this for
the cash. I have a retail job; I have plenty of...no wait, I don't.

Enjoy, and don't spend your whole check just yet. There's more coming.
I'm not going to give away the surprise just yet, but let's just say
you won't be able to take your mouse off it!

Visit now, and be wowed: http://www.cafepress.com/befeard

And remember, you're a pal and a confidant.

Best,
Ben Siegel
bdsiegel@buffalo.edu

Lake Erie is not an ocean, and therefore does not qualify me as being bi-coastal. That, and I don't have another coast.

2005-03-23T03:28:00.000-05:00

I used to listen to the Billy Ocean song, "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" and I would swear the lyrics went, "Get out of my car/Get into my dreams." I know it's not right to sing an upbeat Billy "Caribbean Queen" Ocean song about telling your girl to get out of your car, but it sure was funnier at the time.

American Idle

2005-03-22T20:46:00.000-05:00

Why is Donny Osmond in the audience for American Idol?
He's not loved anymore, is he?
He shouldn't be.

What are you, a fucking world travalah?

2005-03-17T23:38:00.000-05:00

From now on, I'm signing all correspondence with a version of the following:

Crazy in Carolina
Sappy in Saratoga
Cringing in Colorado
Tipsy in Telluride
Ornary in Orlando
Fucking Pissed in Williamsville

...you get the point.

Send more. And cookies.

Ha-penis is hard to come by

2005-03-17T23:35:00.000-05:00

The sperm whale's penis is 5 feet long.
Food for thought.

I'm still looking for someone to go with me to a dinner theater production of "The Vagina Monologues." I've been told tacos will be served.

Comb your harrrrrr

2005-03-16T18:51:00.000-05:00

Today. Starts. Anew. A new. Whatever.
Here at The Feard, we're instituting a new regular feature. Regular means occasionaly. And instituing has 'tit' in it. We're calling it Crazy Correspondence from Planet Melmac. "Go Fug Yourself" was already taken. Enjoy. Signed, Befuddled in Buffalo.
*********************************
Today's excerpt comes to us from a crazy man named Mark. In it, he tells my friend Rachel of his hair fetish. His hetish, if you will. (And I hope you do.) Here:

This may sound a little weird, but do you think you might like having your hair brushed some time? It's just something I like to do in my spare time. Could be a nice study break! I am 27, white, attractive (I guess), and easy-going. Just looking for a friend for occassional, relaxing hair-brushing sessions. I'm at your service!

Hi Kim + Haiku = Kimku

2005-03-16T17:42:00.000-05:00

Kimberly Simberly
Facts of Life
Living Single
Kim Fields
Tootie
Pootie
Tang
Wang-o
Tang-o
Simply Simberly
Kimply Kimberly
Kimberly Simberly
Wheaties
Breakfast of Champions

intermezzo

Kim
Berly
Sim
Berly
Hurly Burly
Kim-hurly Sim-burly
Sim-hurly Kim-burly
Kimberly Simberly
Timberly
Timbaland
featuring Missy Eliot
Misserly Elioterly
Supa Dupa Flyerly
Fly early
Avoid traffic
Catch the red eye
From Los Angeles
Kimberly Simberly

I like cuddling, soft kisses, and long walks on the beach...

2005-03-16T01:43:00.000-05:00

Kimberly Simberly.
Kimberly Simberly.
Why won't you by my frienderly?
I'm waiting by the phonerly
for your callerly.
Kimberly Simberly.
I loverly. Youerly.

Yours sincerely,
Tom Foolery.

Like "Steel Magnolias," only not at all

2005-03-04T22:51:00.000-05:00

While looking through Pollstar, I saw that Julia Roberts is coming to the Erie County Fair on Aug. 15.

Then I read it again and saw that it was Julie Roberts.

Studying a broad

2005-03-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

"I'm young and I only got my boobs, like a year and a half ago, so of course they're going to look good. I love 'em." -Lindsay Lohan in a recent W Magazine interview.

"I'm 22-and-three-quarters and I only got my brain, like 22-and-three-quarters years ago, so of course I'm going to be smarter than Lindsay Lohan." -Me, after reading the interview.

Recently searched items on the Google shopping Web site

2005-03-03T11:42:00.000-05:00

ibm thinkpad t40
mickey mouse toaster
digital camera
smartwool socks
bcbg shoes
beach chair
globe
flannel shirt
mountain bike
dresser
crepe maker
memory foam mattress
luna bars
camelbak classic
huggies diapers
celtic jewelry
king size mattress
gas can
poker chips
oil heater
coffee machine
knee socks
chalkboard
olympic weight set
wall safe

Putting the Project(-ile Vomit) Back into Project Runway

2005-02-24T14:17:00.000-05:00

So Kara Saun didn't win. I can't say I'm not surprised. I thought she'd take it all the way. Her designs aren't my cup of herbal tea (milk Splenda, please), but she's the golden child of that cast.

Jay, on the other hand, is quite talented and as the judges said in their deliberation, she -- I mean he -- is a true artiste. He lives in a hut in the middle of Pennsylvania with no running water or electricity. He has elves stitch his clothes for him, and his only source of nourishment is some residual tree bark left by M. Nature from the old elm in the back.

Wendy Pepper, on the other hand, is a bitch. I didn't see it until tonight. I always thought she was just hormonal. Now I know she's just whore-moan-al.

For next season, I'd like to see a cast of characters not unlike this year's group. Austin Scarlet O'Hara International Airport was quite a treat. He's, what do the kids say, a faggot. Yes, a faggot. That's it. His designs were nothing short of biblical and neither the judges nor the other contestants knew what to expect from him. Had he been in the final three, I'm sure he would have managed to surprise us all with his luxurious rabbit furr jackets. Only the rabbits would still be alive. Oh, how La Boeheme of him. I mean her.

I hope Wendy Pepper opens her store in Virginiasburg Lake, Virginia. She should remain in the design industry, though perhaps not in fashion. I think a signature line of Wendy Pepper swastika armbands would be pretty. Toss the traditional red, black and white color scheme for something more autumnal, like blood, bile and vomit.

Until next season -- during which Heidi Klum better be replaced by someone with a heart and upper lip -- we'll have to settle for the normal gay programming on Bravo. Showdog Moms and Dads premieres in March. I can't wait.

Aufweidershnitzelziegheil,
Ben T. Shirt

My New Profession

2005-02-24T14:15:00.000-05:00

Hurt in a nuclear explosion? Call William Nuclear Explosion.

This Is Why I Don't Get Vaginas or: Why I Don't Get Men Who Get Vaginas: The Musical

2005-02-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

http://www.kaufmanns.com/gifts/OnlineShopping/KF?DSP=4&PCR=19:10030&IID=115911&c=1

Homos, 1. Straights, 0.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em...

2005-02-21T00:51:00.000-05:00

Do you ever confuse "tornado season" with "tomato season"?

Me neither.

Fee Fi Foh Foah.... Noah

2005-02-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

In the momentary lapse this morning during which I fell out of sleep, somewhere around 10:20 a.m., it was Noah Wylie who was on my television screen. He was a guest on the Ellen DeHilarious show -- for the fourth time this month. I did not expect this, since my trusty TiVo on-screen guide had outlined today's episode as featuring Simon Cowell.

I am not only disgruntled because my TV did not turn itself off last night before I went to sleep, but also because who isn't sick of seeing Noah Wylie get all the attention on daytime TV? I'm serious. He's on a shitty show that should have ended six years ago when the bed-swapping doctors were actually practicing medicine; not trying to navigate the Congo while shepherding a group of inner-city school children on a field trip which was made possible through a grant from the emergency room's canned soup-label drive. Also, tsunamis and earthquakes do NOT occur simultaneously in downtown Chicago hospital emergency rooms. They just don't. (Only during Sweeps, I guess.)

I'm sick of seeing Noah on Ellen's show every time someone cancels or is bumped a day. No one watches your show, Noah. And no one cares that you used to do more physical comedy, back when you were the intern for Batman and his bald tool buddy. I think I'd rather be under his care in the fake ER than actually watch him again.

Go back to your ark, Noah.

I gotta go find something to do. Later.

The Worst Show Ever

2005-02-15T01:58:00.000-05:00

VH1, take note: I like the '70s. I do not love the '70s.

John Mayer Should Get Diseased

2005-02-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

Third-cousins be good to your half-brothers, and mothers be good to your sisters-in-law. Great aunts become lovers, and ex-husbands become something-or-others. So sisters be good to your great uncles-once removed too. Bitch.

Golden Girl

2005-01-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

pic_of_joyce
Originally uploaded by bdsiegel.

Blanche Devereaux, French for Blanche Devereaux.

Coral, Go Back to Your Reef

2005-01-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

Coral is a beotch to end all beotches. I'm speaking, of course, of the former Miz-lover, Coral on The Real World/Road Rules, or as I call it, Road Tools, Challenge. She's a whore. I hate her.

Okay, back to life now.
Esca-later,
Ben

Names of Fictitious People Who Show Up In The Subject Lines of Porn Spam Email I Get In My Inbox

2005-01-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

Larry Houston
Gustavo Preston
Lula Ferguson
Hannah Ybarra
Susan S. Trimester
Thorniest J. Steamers
Commute H. Maul
Circumscription B. Reynaldo
Lenard Drake
Bianca Howard
Marion Lucero
Christy Ashley
Angleworms A. Rivaled
Willard I. Become
Proudly C. Afro
Napoleon Medina
Butler D. Safes
Galen Correa
Tidiness D. Weapon
Inconsiderately U. Vainglory
Beseeching S. Regrets
Espresso V. Cryptozoic
Fluctuations E. Squarely
Maddened U. Morgan
Smiled Q. Affectioned
Christopher Cross
Michael D. Ostrander

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

2004-12-10T15:39:00.000-05:00

Apparently wearing blue cardigan sweaters that your mom bought you for Jewish Christmas makes you look like Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable. Apparently I'm a black OB/GYN who lives in Harlem and who names their youngest Rudie. Apparently I'm also married to the woman who spoke so eloquently at the Syracuse University graduation ceremonies about the future of their graduates is all about the ability to "celebrate, celebrate, celebrate..."

Apparently...

I drive a Dodge Stratus also. I wish you were dead.

Ben

Sarah's Confused Penis

2004-11-25T15:46:00.000-05:00

Okay.

I thought I had problems. It seems as though Sarah, our Philly hag on "The Real World," thinks she's got it all up in her, or at least enough to straighten a gay. She wanted so much for him to be bi, but she ended up with a "bye." What do all you straights think? You think we can switch it off like a ceiling fan? Her sexual exploits even went as far as a romp in the IKEA-furnished den of rainbow-colored stuffy pillows, as if any one really has one of those rooms in their "real" house.

"I've never been with a confused penis," Sarah admits to gay Willy (perfect name for a gay, don't you think?).
"Did you feel like a lesbian? Was it a little dyky?" he shoots back, like only a gay man named Willy can.

A confused penis? Darling, it's called GAYYYYYYYYYYYY. Get used to it. We can't all be normal (take note, Samanjamin).

Now I gotta go figure out who to avoid at the Thanksfornothing dinner table. I hate family.

Ben

The Eagles Have Landed... and They're Pissed

2004-11-25T15:35:00.000-05:00

You have NO IDEA.....
I can't take it...
The family is here...
And I'm about to disappear...
This is turning into a poem...
Though I don't mean it to...
So I'll try to find a word...
And rhymes with poem...

I suck at writing these.
Try to drink as much as you can today. It's the only hope we have to make it to Friday.

Later bitches,
Ben

Too Many Colins, So Little Time

2004-11-20T23:24:00.000-05:00

What the hell do people see in Colin Firth? He looks like my mail man.

That's it. That's all I wanted to say. WTF.

Ben

Oh my Jewish Jesus!

2004-11-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

I was originally going to ask for the first season of The Golden Girls on DVD for Hanukkah, but has replaced it as No. 1 on the list:

http://www.britneyspears.ac/lasers.htm

The URL alone is enough to make me wet myself. Oh--you see? There I go again... I just peed a little.

Later,
Ben

Yaaaaa WHAT?!?!

2004-11-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

I call my mother today, ask if her if she has any time to spend with her hard-working son. Of her own busy schedule, this is what she offers:

Mom: "There's a wonderful concert Saturday night you can come to."
Me: "Oh no. It's at temple, isn't it?"
Mom: "Listen here--"
Me: "I am not going to a temple concert."
Mom: "He's a Jewish Gospel singer."
Me: "NO way!"
Mom: "He was on Oprah."
Me: "NO! I have to go now, Mom."
Mom: "I'll take you out to dinner."
Me: "Okay. I'll go."

Gotta love her.
Ben

Samanjamin... It just keeps getting better...

2004-11-14T16:06:00.000-05:00

I saw an incredibly moving play this weekend produced by Buffalo United Artists. Go see it, it's called "Southern Baptist Sissies." It's really incredible. For all of my thoughts on the play, read my review in The Buffalo News this Monday (or possibly Tuesday).

But the reason for this post, as inspired by two of the play's funnier characters, is to continue my quest for the worst/best/but really worst name of all time. (I know I'm not the first to come up with this shit, but it nonetheless keeps me happy.)

So far, we've had: Sue Dan, Sue Vlaki, Pete Moss.

Here's another: Liz Anya. And, from the fantastic play downtown, two of my new favorites: Iona Trailer (a drag queen), Odette Annette Barnette, and Sheila Noya.

I need a better day job. Later bitches,
Ben

P.S. In case none of you can read (or haven't read my last entry), go out on Tuesday and buy Rufus Wainwright's "Want Two." You'll definitely want to... Trust me.

"And oh! What's they've done for musical theah-tah!" or: "If I REALLY had $1,000,000"

2004-11-12T01:17:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of everyone saying they're going to move to Canada because Bushman was "re"-elected. There are many other reasons to make the trek up north, y'all. And the Barenaked Ladies are not one of them.

But, I must admit there are some wonderful advances north of the border. Advances in medicine (hey, at least they GET the medicine), advances in transportation (it's true, their road signage is just fabulous), advances in the arts (again, at the very least their students actually receive arts education, not dream about it).

Here is my short list for wanting to move to the great maple leaf over yonder. If you can look yourself in the mirror and admit to agreeing to any THREE of these then you might be a red-leaf-neck. (Sorry, that was really bad. Onward and upward...)

1. SANITATION -- It's just cleaner there. Roads are cleaner, street corners are cleaner, people are cleaner. Even television, despite its (finally!) primetime airings of unedited episodes of "The Sopranos," is a cleaner source of information and entertainment.

2. TORONTO -- It's the greatest city in the world, in my honest-to-God opinion. Yes, New York City has all the worldly charm and history of being the "greatest"... Blah blah blah. As my T-Ball coach used to tell me:
"Bob--"
"Coach, my name is Ben"
"Ben--whatever--coming in second is just like coming in first only you're not the real winner."
T-Ball lasted but one season, mind you, and it had to do with more than Coach's inability to remember my name. You see, I'm a homosexual.

Which brings me to No. 3. EVERYONE IS GAY! GAY GAY GAY! GAY GAY GAY! (Go see "Team America" for that reference). Yes, that feeling you had in the bottom of your stomach whenever you met a Canuck, it's real. It's not a lie. All Canadians are gay. It's a fact. They're even allowed to marry now! Not that I'd personally choose to marry a man, even though I'd want to live with and steal money from one, I don't want to marry one. But at least I can, in the land of Celine Dion. And what's gayer than Celine Dion???? (For answer, go to No. 4.)

4. THEA-TAHHH -- Canadian stages are exponentially better than American stages, with every growing season. Toronto, in all its big-city-metropolitan glory, has so many kick-ass stages and theaters that it's easy to forget you were born with dysfunctional hetero genes. Where else can you go see Simba piss off his Uncle Scar in "The Lion King" in the afternoon and see a drag queen sing about the glories of Aqua Net in "Hairspray" in the evening? Okay, well you can do that in New York. But does New York have easy-to-read road signs? NOOOOOOO!!!!!

5. IKEA -- I know, this, too, you can get in America. But since I live so close to Canada and there aren't any close IKEAs in the States, I've always ASS-ociated the Sweedish import housewares giant with Canada. I just love their BlurgenBorgenBelsenBlinginDusenPorg desk set. It's tanfastic.

6. MONEY -- Granted, money doesn't stand for much these days, no matter what part of the world you go to. But in Canada, the American buck is a far cry from toilet paper. It used to be worth $1.45 in American funds, which is a great deal for us Amercs. It's recently declined to a paltry $1.15, according to a report I saw and think I remember understanding. As those lonely Barenaked Ladies boys ("They're so darling," my mom used to try to convince me) used to say, if they had $1,000,000, well... they'd be out of luck down here. But I'd be a happy little boy up there. Good deal.

7. HEALTH INSURANCE -- You see, my pancreas doesn't work. It's what they call "non-functioning." It's what others call "fat-assed and lazy." Whichever way you look at it, it's out of bidness and has been for the last 11 years. And let me tell you, syringes? Those aren't cheap. If I moved up north, I could not only save money on perscriptions and medical costs, I could also try my hand at that at-home pancreas transplant I read about in the back of Variety last week. If I fuck up, at least I won't have to pay for the surgery.

8. THE GUELPH LINE -- What is it, exactly? Who knows? It's my (and Colin's) primary concern in life to figure out what the hell the Guelph line is, what effects it has on its residents, who guards it at night, and what the hell it divides. Does it have magical powers? Are there secret lemmings living underneath its crusty, earthy shell? Have aliens ever landed on it and "crossed the line" into Guelph? I'm wondering. And now you are too.

9. IT'S JUST BETTER, NKAY???

And the No. 10 reason, as if you needed any more...

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT. Buy his upcoming release, "Want Two," on Tues., Nov. 16! Or, go to www.vh1.com and listen to the whole album there. It's truly remarkable. You see? Now if I were a Canadian citizen, I'd not only be able to buy his CD for less than I could here, but I could also marry him. AND buy a BorgenBunsenBurner bed set. And when I passed out from the sheer exhilaration of his genius songwriting, the ace bandage would be on the house.

It all works out in the end, doesn't it?

See you in T.O.
B

And one... and two... and bend... and kneel... and twist... and shout...

2004-11-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

I got a voicemail from a local gym today saying I won a three-day free pass to use their facilities. I wonder if I'm on some list of skinny-challenged Western New Yorkers.

I calculated how long it would take for me to work out in order to be a skinny bitch. I'd have to exercise five hours every day for 135 years.

If only they'd given me a 49,276-day pass.

In other news, Oprah must die. She makes me want to throw up and send it to her in an envelope. Ditto for Bette Midler. And all Omahanians (those from Omaha).

Later,
B

Driving in a WinterWonderHell

2004-11-08T21:40:00.000-05:00

People! Are you NEW????

When snow falls down from the sky, just drive around it, nnkay?

Really!

In other news, it's beautiful out.

Later,
B

P.S. Read my latest column on the UB Spectrum Web site. It's about the power of making choices.
http://spectrum.buffalo.edu/article.php?id=17422

My name is not Susan

2004-11-07T13:19:00.000-05:00

Here's another one:

Susan Dan

It's always Sue that works best with this formula.

B

Oh no!!!!!!!!

2004-11-06T23:49:00.000-05:00

Make her stop. Hey you, pass me the -- no, not that, th-, yes, that. The gun, yes. Thank you.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/Music/Yokos-new-hit/2004/11/05/1099547360765.html?oneclick=true

B

Two's a pair. Three's company. And four is... well, four is a foursome.

2004-11-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

Wow, three entries in one day. I must be a lot lonlier than I thought. Hmm.

Okay.

Sam makes fun of me for thinking of such things, but I swear, when I fucking graduate and someone out there finally realizes I should be paid for coming up with such ba-rilliant ideas, I'm going to be so rich I'll buy me some hot body to go with this charm.

Tell me this isn't the best idea you've never thought of. What if there were a woman out there whose last name is Vlaki and first name Susan. How f-ing (fuck it! I'll just say it! how fucking...) great would it be to be named Sue Vlaki? I'd kill myself out of the sheer daily hilarity.

Or what about Peter Moss? Or ... I had another one, I swear. I don't know what I'd do with this information except perhaps write a sitcom based around her/his/hes/hir fabled life of being named after a popular Greek dish!

Or maybe it's the dish that's named after her!!!

Ahhh-haaaa!!!!!

Eat it,
B

One... two... three... CLEAR!

2004-11-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

Do you think this comes in pink?

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00064CED6/ref=amb_center-2_138349_2/104-4097889-5385544

Oh, the joy of holiday wish list shopping. This has replaced my No. 3 item, a signed poster of Colin Farell.

Channumas/Christakah in November

2004-11-06T17:24:00.000-05:00

I bought Christmas lights for $2 at CVS the other day. I feel so festive.
And gay.
B

One Fabulous Fiddler

2004-11-05T18:17:00.000-05:00

As if being Jewish AND gay wasn't hard enough, the legitimate theater community today marked the beginning of a new era in stunt casting. Harvey Feirstein, the she-male/shim/himer/herim/gravel box who recently made Aqua Net acceptable again with his starring role in Broadway's "Hairspray," is the front-runner to replace Doc-Oc (Alfred Molina) in Broadway's latest revival of "Fiddler on the Roof."

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=502023

What's next? Clay Aiken in "Cats"? JLo in "The Phantom of the Opera"? Oh I know, how about Paris Hilton in "A Streetcar Named Desire"? Can't you just see it?

Stanley Kowalski: "Steellllaaaa!!!!!!"
Blanche DuBois: "That's hot"

Yes, it's true. The world's gayest animal has just gayed up the homosexualest medium there is; its combined powers have formed the inevidable: The HomoJewiCal.

I'm moving to Peru. Join me, will you?

The Glesbians Have Attacked

2004-11-04T22:54:00.000-05:00

Watch out, all you Dr. Quinns and Claire Huxtables! If you're a single woman and have a successful job, you're a lesbian. According to this ass munch.

http://www.alternet.org/rights/20162/

Forget Canada. How about we just parasail into the Indian Ocean and hope the smell of curry doesn't suffocate us on the way down?

I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds bad.

Pretty awful first blog entry, huh? Yeah, I'm tired.

Later bitches,
B